To some, this next sentence will not make any sense but then there are those that will totally understand.

Walls are a way to protect myself from being hurt but also erected in an effort to protect you from me…

As a child and then later as an adult, I never fully trusted anyone but I most certainly did not trust myself.

How could I trust an individual that has been told all of her life that she was screwed up, messed up, nothing, worthless and pretty much not worth any type of love or acceptance?

That is the situation I found myself in from a very early age.. Not trusting anyone else other than a few certain adults that always provided unconditional love. Other than that; TRUST was a no-no.. I certainly didn’t trust others but I didn’t trust myself either.

Such began a life of trying to control the situations I found myself in and around, which then led to more and more anxiety because the world and life cannot be controlled. No matter how hard I tried; it just didn’t happen. I would try to be a good, little girl and I thought I was but then the one day that I wasn’t walking on eggshells around my family, that was the day once again I was told that I was just a waste and a nothing. So then began the walking on eggshells again in an effort of trying to please.. It would go along fine for a bit and then wham… Failure again. The straight A student just couldn’t do enough to please my parents… I would try and try but it just never happened.

More and more anxiety, fear and agoraphobia developed. I can sense now that even as early as 9 or 10 years old I suffered with some agoraphobia, yet it like all the other problems I carried around went undiagnosed and untreated.

Trust was not an option for me with anyone; especially myself.

This is when the problem began because if I was such a failure at life in general how was I going to be a good wife, mom and employee….

I always felt like I had to have someone to fall back on in situations that I felt unsure about or anxious about because this was certainly an area that I knew I was not prepared to handle.

Yet, over the last year; after 47 years of life…. I have decided that God has not called a weak, unstable, fearful, anxious woman to tell my story. He has called a powerful, forgiven, loved, confident woman that has a powerful story of healing to tell others.

If I hide what God has done for me and in my own life; then my story is wasted..

God deserves so much praise for all He has done in my life in the last 11 months. A year ago tomorrow was the night that God really began doing a major work on my life and in the area of healing me from anxiety, panic attacks and agoraphobia.

To be continued:
I will be speaking tonight at a conference called Beautiful Women in Levelland Texas. It will be a powerful service and this is God’s plan for me at this time. The doors have opened so I will now go through them.

Reblogged from :

“Mom, I just don’t get it!”

My 6-year-old old was dumbfounded. She just didn’t understand. It didn’t make sense to her.

“Mom, why would God’s people leave Egypt to go to the Promised Land and then want to go back? Why would they go forward and then want to go backwards?”

I looked at her innocent face, “Great question, sweetie. Let’s think about it.

Read more… 757 more words

Reblogged from :

“Mom, I just don’t get it!”

My 6-year-old old was dumbfounded. She just didn’t understand. It didn’t make sense to her.

“Mom, why would God’s people leave Egypt to go to the Promised Land and then want to go back? Why would they go forward and then want to go backwards?”

I looked at her innocent face, “Great question, sweetie. Let’s think about it.

Read more… 757 more words

Do you ever question what you are here on earth to do?

I know I have wondered that more often than I care to admit, but I have decided that I must live in the here and now all the while trying to find my calling from God..

Wonder
Wonder
Wonder

Yet, when we question what God has called then we are basically saying that God has made a mistake and messed up when He called us to the assignment we have..
Whether that is:
being a mom
being a hard worker at the job I have
being a prayer warrior
cleaning someone else’s home
being an author or blogger
leading a church as a pastor or youth minister
driving a school bus
working at a daycare

If we are questioning our current assignment then God will not call us to any other assignment. We will stay exactly where we are at in this time and place.. Nothing will change. We will stay frustrated, upset and wondering why nothing changes.

Our hearts must change first
and then God will direct us onto the next assignment or open doors to open in our current place of assignment.

Your assignment will always cause other to succeed and your assignment will always require you to go places you never dreamed of going. DREAM BIG
Your assignment will cause you to be celebrated; not tolerated. Luke 9:5

Your assignment will require wisdom.

Wisdom is obtained in two ways:
Mentors
Experiences/Mistakes

Wisdom is not something we are born with and nor are we born qualified for our assignment. There will be bumps in the road and bruises along the way, yet that does not mean we stop striving to fulfill the God ordained assignment God has given us to do in this life.

WE ONLY LIVE ONCE, SO MAKE IT A GOOD ONE

Our assignment is something only we can accomplish.

Our assignment will require us to solve problems only we can solve.
Our assignment will require us to help others only we can help.
Our assignment will require us to be love to someone else that maybe no one else acknowledges.
Our assignment will require PAIN, PASSION and PURPOSE.

Lord, today I want to offer hope for those wondering exactly what their purpose is for today. You know our hearts and you also know our desire to be worthy of your call on our lives. Help us today to not waste the time we have remaining and also do not let us lose hope in the call you have on our lives. We all have a purpose and an assignment from you. Let us stay strong and finish well.. We must stay focused and faithful in the small.. Lord, help me to remember that I am not where I used to be but I am also not where I want to be. Thank You for the wonderful gifts you have provided for my family in the last year on all levels. We are praising You. Thankful..

Even when the road seems long

God is always faithful.

Pain
Loss
Discouragement
Anger
Fear
Worry
Happiness
Joy
Peace

All happens in this life, yet God always remains and His love is never ending and always true.

Deuteronomy7:9
Therefore, know that the Lord your God, He is God, the faithful God who keeps covenant and mercy for a thousand generations with those who love Him and keep His commandments.

Linking up with:
Deidrariggs.com and Sunday Community

I know that there is a quote that goes something like,

” When people show you who they are: believe them..”

I have certainly learned that lesson today as well as many other times in life..

Of course, we want to believe the best about those we are in contact with daily; whether through our jobs, families or friends, but are we really suppose to let our guard down in every situation.

I know I have found myself to be:

too trusting

too needy

too scared

too lost

to stand up for myself, the truth and what I needed out of the relationships I have

but that was the OLD ANGIE..

I will not tolerate dishonesty, untruths, half-truths, kissing up to others so there is not any confrontation… on and on.

Today, we live in a world that is so lost as to what the true body of Christ should look like, act like and demand from others in an effort to better our world; we often just look the other way and don’t stand up for the TRUTH..

Truth always prevails. and that is certainly what I am counting on in my own life and the situations I am facing with those I am in contact with on a daily basis as well as those strained relationships that are in desperate need of restoration, repair and forgiveness as well as new roads to be paved for a better relationship.

As Christians I think we often believe that means we stand by and watch life continue to beat us up..

No, we are called to speak the truth, stand on the truth and demand the truth from others.. God doesn’t want wimpy Christians but He also doesn’t want Christians that look the other way because it is easier than standing up for the truth and for what is right.

I ask you today to think about situations you find yourself in on a daily basis or even a weekly basis..

What do you see in others?

Truth
Honesty
Morals
Ethics
Compassion
Empathy
Hard Working
Caring
Dependable
Are we not called to be those things in our own lives, so why would we accept any less from our friends, family and employees or employers?

I am just in a place in my own life that it must change…

I am on a different path than many others but that doesn’t mean I am any better or worse than someone else, but it does mean that I have a right to expect better from those I choose to have in my life.

I will not tolerate:
Dishonesty
Neglect
Two-faced
Backbiting
Drama filled
Evil Words Spoken
Negative
Rejection
Abuse
ANYMORE

My family has had a hard year in many ways. Heartache, loss, pain, tragedy as well as many great memories as well.

Today, after visiting my aunt that has cancer for over 3 years, I remembered that God holds all of our days in His hand… The good, the bad, the ugly; yet more importantly, the wonderful, joyful times.

In life, it is often easy to forget that a smile can change someone’s day from bad to good… Be that someone today.

I am linking up with:
http://www.deidrariggs.com and The Sunday Community

Today, see everyone as people on a spiritual journey that often times does not follow a straight and narrow path.

Many times there are bumps, ditches, narrow paths, darkness as well as pain along the way of struggling through the journey of life.

Maybe we should realize: WE are all on a journey

Life can get us down at times yet if we remember that no one has it down perfectly and struggles are part of learning, we would make it easier on ourselves but also on others in our lives.

I know personally, I have learned over the last year especially that everyone is vlunerable and everyone is often anxious, fearful and worried about the challenges in their lives, just as I am in my own life.

I have learned to SEE others for the struggling souls that they are. In Mud and the Masterpiece by John Burke, he discusses that in the church we often forget that we all have mud on us due to our sins and struggles, but God sees a masterpiece.

I am working to remember this in every encounter I have with someone else.

A struggling soul; maybe feeling lost

A story that is continuing to play out; God has the plan

Stuff that was not theirs to carry around; God can handle it. Give it to Him.

See them through my own memories of feeling lost, alone, anxious and fearful; Maybe this is where they are at today.

Allow my own memories to be the looking glass through which I see those who I feel may be in the same place I was before.

Today, let us take the time to remember the blood, community and world family with the compassion, support and love you know it will take to inspire them to want to do better and be better.

I am now aware to the idea that maybe what I see in others represents the fears I have about myself.

The above is my new motto..

After 47 years, I finally am finding ME: ANGIE
Isn’t that crazy to think that all of my life I have felt like I was missing out on life, yet that is really how I have felt..

I was talking to my uncle a few days ago to see if he had received the family pictures I had mailed him.. He was so shocked to see them because he has not seen me in person for almost 9 months. In that nine months I have changed so much with God’s help..

I know that God has slowly been redeeming my life;

healing the past
moving forward
accepting myself
believing I am worthy
loving my life; changes and all

When I talked on the phone to my uncle, he said that he could not believe the changes in my face, my smile and the way my eyes sparkle..

I guess I have looked at myself in the mirror for so long, I don’t notice the changes like others do..

I believe that God has called me to step out of the past and move forward, yet often that can cause others to think that you are leaving them behind. My life is on a different level than it was even 9 months ago, yet often that moving forward means we have to make decisions in relationships that are difficult, set new goals and require more of others as well as ourselves.

I am not willing to go backwards..
ONLY FORWARD

My new mantra is HAPPY IS, HAPPY DOES

Happiness: I am not accustomed to this.. It is strange to be happy..

Isn’t that sad to say??

Growing up, I had times of happiness and times of extreme saddness. UP and DOWN. You never knew what you were going to feel from one day to the next because of the extreme mood swings from my parents.

Happy times but many difficult times as well.

As a child I so desperately wanted a “NORMAL” life like my other friends seemed to have or that my cousins had at their homes. Yet, most often than not, there was no fairy tale at my home.

Material possessions do not equate love..

Today, I am living a life that I never dreamed of having as a child that was full of fear, anxiety and later as an adult agoraphobic..
HAPPY IS, HAPPY DOES..

Today, I want to offer you the freedom to be happy..

Don’t allow the enemy to keep you stuck in your past, live with regrets or to lose sight of who God has called you to be.

I am a creature of habit.
I don’t like change.
OCD to the extreme.

I have learned with God, He often causes change in our lives so that we can make improvements, learn new things or move to the next level He has called us to be at, yet we often go kicking and screaming.

I have learned this in many instances but the most recent has been my new employment. After working at my last job for almost 6 years and then being home for over a year, it was not really my plan to become employed again. I was enjoying my time at home and enjoying the freedom to spend time with friends, family and work on crafts, my garden or projects in my home..

Yet, in my effort to work on my continued progress with being anxiety and fear free, I went to a local store here in town. This was a particular store that I never shopped at because the area of town made me anxious and I certainly dreaded the drive there due to the anxiety… (Hard to explain to those who have never had anxiety or panic attacks)

One day in March, I was working on my driving and goal setting for areas that I still struggled with at times and on this particular day I chose to go into this store just to browse. On entrance I saw a particular woman that I had previously known from one company we both worked for but also from her being employed at several other places in town in management positions. We began talking and catching up… One thing led to another and I asked if she was hiring for any positions. Come to find our she was hiring. I filled out an application and she then called me a few days later to interview. I was hired that same day..

This was GOD in more ways than one…

I sat in my car shocked at this new place I found myself in..

From March 13th to April 26th, I worked as a Sales Associaate.. On April 26th I was offered the 2nd Assistant Manager position… I had never dreamed this would even be a possibility because I was perfectly happy working my 15 hours a week..

Discussion with hubby had to happen. He was so happy for me and this opportunity. I was too yet I was concerned about the driving home at night.. I hate, hate, hate to drive at night but once again this only proves God has a sense of humor… I am driving at night… Wow..

I am saying all so you will know that God knows what we need to push us forward into being all God has called us to be.

My fear has held me back from living for far too long.

I am not going to say that I have not had anxiety in my new position or new job, because I have had tons of anxiety.. The difference is before I would have got in my car and drove home but now I STAY. I keep moving forward and pushing past the fear. I know that the coming months will prove to be challenging at times but I think I am where God wants me to be for now..

Keep moving foward.
Step out into the new places God opens for you.
Doors open. Walk through
Stay in God’s Word so you can hear HIS voice and follow His leading

Hugs to each of you. When you think of me; please pray for me and my fears to be totally gone. Each day is a new beginning for new possibilities.. OPEN YOUR ARMS UP WIDE AND WAIT TO SEE WHAT GOD DOES>