September 28th, 2012
Change is not easy, yet it seems that God requires change at certain points of our lives because we are missing out on so much more that He has for us.. I know that I have lived a very fearful, anxious life from my earliest memories as a child. This fear had such a hold on my life, my thoughts and my choices that I really never LIVED.. I had a happy life in my small bubble but I guess I didn’t know that there was anything more out in the world because I was too afraid to step out and see what God had for me.
Growing up in a home where you were told how to think, what to think and what to do and not do, my whole goal in life was to step out of that life and into a better life, yet by the time I left home, I was so afraid to make a wrong choice, I basically made no choices to better my life. Oh, I went to college and was the only one from my family to ever graduate from college of my siblings. I have been married 29 years. I have had many jobs that I loved and enjoyed doing, but I never really felt like what I was doing in this life was making a difference, even though I knew being a wife and mother was a job that God had called me to do. I wanted to figure out what God had for me beyond my four walls, yet I was most often too afraid to step out and try anything new because of my anxiety and agoraphobia. I have never really enjoyed traveling away from home but I think after my grandmother was murdered by my grandfather, I just basically gave up on life and ever having any type of enjoyment or happiness again. She was the only real lifeline I had in my life other than my husband and kids, so when she died, I felt like my world caved in on me. I gave up driving out of town alone. I gave up many, many things because I felt like maybe all I deserved was the pain and hurt from all of the tragic losses my family had faced through many suicides and then the murder of my grandmother. I couldn’t figure out why all of these horrible things kept happening to my family.. I gave up.. I sat down and decided that my life would be in my small town, living the best I knew how, but I certainly was not going to take any chances or any risks to make myself happy because I didn’t believe I deserved to be happy.. If so, then God would not have allowed all of these family members to take their own lives and certainly wouldn’t have allowed my grandmother to be murdered??? It made no sense to me so I basically gave up..
Since 1990, my family has had 4 suicides and one murder between my husbands family and my family.. How do you go on living after such loss??? I know that my choices make no sense now when I look back, yet at the time I felt like I could not trust anyone else to not leave me so if I lived a very sheltered, lonely life, then no one could hurt me, but in the effort to protect myself, I hurt myself as well as my family. I was so afraid to travel because of my fears, yet when I stepped out and took the chance to go on a trip with my husband and son, we had the best time. The doors of freedom and enjoyment were wide open. I am not saying that the first trip was easy because it wasn’t. But I will say that the anxiety and fears I felt, I just kept pushing past them and moving forward. Each step I took during that trip of being away from home for 5 days, somehow opened the doors of many other possiblities that God has for me. Since August, God has allowed me to go on another short trip out of town with my husband for 3 days. This trip allowed me to see my cousin again as well as his family. For a person that hasn’t left a 40 mile radius in over 8 years, these two trips are huge accomplishments for me.. I enjoyed seeing my family on both trips but more than that, I am thankful for all God has been doing in my life through this journey. HE has given me a powerful testimony to encourage others that no matter what they are facing, God is there and He wants the best for you.. I would love to offer the word of encouragement out of Galatians 5:7-8.. I have read this verse many times but until the last few weeks, I never really took the time to dissect the verse and take it word for word.. ” You were running a good race. WHO cut in on you to keep from obeying the truth? That kind of persuasion does not come from the one who calls you..” The Lord is saying here that HE calls us to keep running the race and moving forward. WHO has stopped you from running the race??? YOURSELF? FEAR? Another person? Anger? Bitterness? Loneliness??? Today, I would love for you to think about that question. I know from my own personal experience that I allowed fear to keep me from running the race God called me to run… But now I am moving forward and that is what I pray for you as well. PLEASE LEAVE ME A COMMENT….I LOVE HEARING FROM THOSE WHO HAVE READ MY STORY.