Peace is not something I have known very often in my life, but over the last 2 weeks I have felt a freedom that I really cannot say that I have ever known before.
Dealing with fear, anxiety and agoraphobia is a problem that most people cannot even relate to and if they know someone that has the problem, they feel like it is something you ” can just get over”, but that is really not the truth.
The enemy sits back and watches where our weaknesses are and what area we struggle with, and that is where he will sink the dirty little claws into.. Then the fight begins to see how it will all play out.
Are you going to stand up and fight or lay down and let it continue?
I know that growing up from an early age with fear, it was normal to me and I really did not know that there was a different life waiting for me. Then, you have parents and siblings that continue to make the situation in your life worse by calling you names such as crazy, weird or the “problem” then it is a situation that continues to snowball out of control. By the age of 16, I had a horrible car accident which almost took the life of my friend that was riding in the car with me. The wreck became a catalyist of more fear overtaking my life which then led to a fear of driving or being away from my “comfort zone.” Over a period of several years, I functioned fairly normal but after the loss of my grandmother to murder and my grandfather to suicide, my life took a turn for the worse.
I began having trouble riding in the car, even on the shortest trips. I was able to function at work but when it came to traveling away from my hometown, it was almost impossilbe. Before the deaths of my grandmother, I had always driven to the next town over; about 30 minutes away, for shopping, eating or visiting family, yet now I wasn’t able to do this anymore. I only felt comfortable if my husband drove and even at that time, it was difficult.
Then in 2005, we had a major break in at our home while we were asleep one night, so this led me to be fearful being in my own home. I did not want to be home alone, so when my husband was gone, this was horrilbe. He had to work often at night or travel for his job, so fear was an everyday occurence in my life. I began not wanting to be alone; ever. I don’t know how to describe the feelings, because they are so indescribable, yet I know many others struggle with these same feelings.
Our marriage was good on most levels, but over time there became an underlying feeling of dissatisfcation. I know now that most of that came from the feeling of me being so needy, yet I really did not know any other way to be. I believe that the struggles we faced in our marriage became less visable over time when I began really working on trying to become more confident and secure.
We go along fine with all of life until 2008 when I had major health issues. This surgery through my body into a huge spiral that I really felt I would never come out of. The levels in all of my chemistry were so out of whack and so far gone it seemed, that life once again became unbearable on many levels. I couldn’t sleep. I couldn’t eat which led to me losing about 40 pounds and got me down to about 100 pounds. I was skin and bones for my 5ft 7 inch body, yet it seemed like nothing was helping. I began having more and more panic attacks; sometimes all night long, which once again led to my poor husband having to lose sleep as well. I really felt like I was losing my mind at one point. Finally, I was able to find a new doctor that took me seriously and really did some necessary tests on me to find the real source of the problems. By this time, I had not been sleeping, driving, leaving my home or being alone for almost 4 months.. Crazy huh? That is what I felt like by this point. I couldn’t understand why my life was so out of control and yet nothing I did seemed to make it better. Finally, after visiting the new doctor, I felt like I was getting some relief and finally albe to try to find my way back to living once again. I began working again part time and over time, I felt like I could slowly get out and about more and more alone. Some days, the struggle was almost unbearable, but I kept pushing through. It was still hard for me to travel out of my comfort zone and I still did not go out of town alone, but I was at least able to function in my own town fairly well. This was a huge accomplishment for me after all of the problems with my health as well as the panic attacks and fear being so overwhelming.
This is where I will stop for today but now you know that my story has not been easy, but I hope that you know that no matter where you are at today, God is there walking beside you, holding your hand. Maybe it doesn’t feel that way at times, but please know that you are HIS and He is yours. Continue to fight through the struggles; whatever they may be. Don’t quit. I will post more of my story in a few days.