My past contines to try to hold me hostage, yet I know that God has a bigger plan for me than to live in the past. Regret, loss, tragedy, as well as abuse have been my life for so many years, the new journey of happiness, love, hope, healing and peace is unfamiliar, yet each day that I move forward the shadows of the past fade away more easily.
The shadows are there, trying to blot out the sun (SON) that has continued to be my constant companion through this journey of life. Life that has been filled with darkness is often such a familiar place that the sunshine seems like we are being (unfaithful) to our call on our lives. For me, I have felt unworthy of love, peace, promise and healing because my childhood and young adult life led me to believe that I was not worth having that in my life. I knew that Jesus died on the cross to save me, yet I doubted on an almost daily basis if I was really worthy of saving.
I felt bad when I felt good…. I felt bad and dishonest for being happy. I so wanted to live like others I saw that were continually happy and enjoyed their lives, yet for most of my life that has eluded me. I knew it was possible, but I just perceived that I was not one of the “CHOSEN” … God missed me when that was handed out because I had never experienced happiness, joy or peace.
Now, let me go on to say this: The above statements do not mean that I have not felt happiness and love in my life on some levels with my husband and children, but I knew in my heart that I was still missing so much more in my life that I could see others enjoy in their own. I have had a wonderful life with my husband and children, yet the peace of God was often lacking in many areas when it came to my healing from anxiety, fear, panic attacks, abuse, neglect and agroraphobia.
God had a plan for me to reach up and take His hand and hold on for dear life, but often I would take hold of His hand for a short time and let go again because my healing did not come the way I wanted. I would go around and around trying to get the shadows of my past to let me go, but now I have figured out that I am the one that repeatedly would not let God have the shadows of my past totally. I would hold on to bits and pieces because I did not feel worthy of total healing and His total love. This comes from the PTSD and Stockholm Syndrome I have been diagnosed with all of my life. Both of these diagnosis kept me bound to my past, yet all I wanted was freedom.
This past month I have had to deal with some very disheartening aspects of my relationship with my only living parent, but through that experience I have come to the realization that I must move foward and that I cannot let what my parents or siblings spoke over me as a child and adult change who God has called me to be in this world. In this world we will have tribulation but I am thankful that God has overcome. John 16:33.
Personally, I know my story resonates with more than I originally thought when I began my ministry. I knew of a few other women that had previously sufered with anxiety and agoraphobia, but over time I have learned that this problem affects so many more than I had originally thought. Through my story and writing of my path to healing, all I have ever wanted was to let others know that the only way to overcome anything in this world; whether anxiety, agoraphobia or any other struggle, is with God on your side because HE HAS OVERCOME THE WORLD. Be faithful in your walk, continue to seek His face and put one foot in front of the other because THE SHADOWS OF YOUR PAST WILL FADE AWAY the more you are obedient to God and STEP OUT..
LORD, TODAY I WANT TO THANK YOU FOR OPENING MY EYES TO SO MANY THINGS THAT HAVE BEEN HIDDEN IN MY HEART AND SOUL FOR FAR TOO LONG. EACH DAY THAT I WALK THIS JOURNEY, YOU REVEAL MUCH MORE TO ME THAT I NEED TO CHANGE IN MY OWN THINKING. I AM THANKFUL THAT I HAVE MADE SO MUCH PROGRESS IN THIS LAST TWO YEARS BUT I AM SO VERY EXCITED FOR THE UPCOMING PHENONMENAL THINGS YOU ARE GOING TO DO IN MY LIFE AND THROUGH THE SHARING OF MY STORY. I SEE GREAT OPPORTUNITIES OPENING UP WITH YOU ON MY SIDE… THANK YOU LORD FOR ALL YOU ARE DOING AND HAVE DONE.