Shhh… It Is A Secret !!!

secret word

Secrets are damaging.

I know this from experience.

Growing up in an abusive, neglectful, angry home with very domineering parents, secrets were a normal part of my life.

I still struggle at the age of 47 years old of really knowing the truth about many things that happened in my life.

When you live in fear everyday of your childhood and young adult life, normal is a relative term. Normal is what you live everyday. Keeping secrets about what happens in your home is what you are taught and what you “better do” if you know what is good for you.. This was my life.

Outside of the home, everyone thought my parents were the greatest. Perfect parents. Perfect home. Perfect children.. Oh, yeah.. Not so perfect Angie somehow made it into this “perfect” family.. How did that happen? I asked myself that question almost everyday for 46 years.. Was I really as bad as they said? What was wrong with me to get treated so horribly? Did God make a mistake when He created me? Why did my siblings get treated so differently and why did they not see our home life the way I did and do??

For 46 years I have carried the secrets of my childhood close to my heart. Only a select few have known the heartache of the past. Only a select few have I trusted enough to open my heart up and lay it out for others to see. Yet, at times, those same few I have put my faith and hope in to trust with such intimate details, have later used that information against me. Trust is not easy for a child, teenager, young adult or adult that has suffered abuse, neglect, as well as total rejection for just being themselves. Trust for me is a long road. I don’t lay my heart on the line very often and not easily, so when trust is broken, it is broken for good..

Growing up with secrets of my home life has followed me around for 46 years just waiting for me to open the door and let God take that pain and heal it.

Well, over the last 2 years I have worked very hard to heal from the pain of rejection, abuse, neglect, control, hate and just about anything else you could come up with… My parents and siblings have called me every kind of name in the book all of my life. I have lived under a dark cloud of believing that I was NOTHING;… NADA.. POO… Yet, God opened my eyes just recently to the power of darkness in my families minds, hearts and definetely their souls.

After I met with my only living parent a few weeks ago, I could feel the evilness when she walked into the counselors office. From the first words that came out of her mouth, the counselor could sense it as well. Sad for her but also offered me the final connection to my family to be severed totally. Nothing nice came out of her mouth about me and basically she said what she has said about me for 46 years in an hour long session.

I have lived my life beating myself up, wondering what was wrong with me. Yet, God revealed that nothing was or is wrong with me.. I am just as He created. I know that I have lost myself in this journey many times but thankfully, my eyes have opened and reality has set in. Only God can restore, repair and rejuvinate my relationships with my biological family.

I cannot change their opinion of me or stop their evil ways or words. Yet, God can and will hold them accountable for every evil word spoken and every evil deed done. I may or may not see in my lifetime any of this happen, but whether I do or not, I am FREE from the past and all of the power it has had in my life.

I am still walking a journey on many other levels through the anxiety, agoraphobia and fear, as well as losses of family to suicide and murder but I know that God is walking with me on the rest of the journey. It has not always been a Joyful Journey but I know the end will definetly be better than the beginning.

God calls out the hidden into the light according to 1 Corinthians 4:5. I am waiting for the hidden to be revealed. God knows what is best and He knows what is best for me.. I am staying hidden under the shadow of His wings. He covers me with His protection if I will be faithful and stay where I am called to stay.

I pray for you today that whatever secrets have kept you bound, that they will fall away with God and His power. Stay under the shadow of God’s protection and He will guide you to the place you are called to be. Let the rejection,fear, anger, hate or discouragment fall away. Look to God for your acceptace. THe world may not accept you, but God loves you and sent His son to die on the cross for you.. YOU ARE WORTH MORE THAN THE SPARROWS. HE LOVES YOU MORE THAN YOU CAN EVER THINK OR IMAGINE.

IN THIS LIFE….I WIN AND SO DO YOU IF YOU BELIEVE ON THE SAVING POWER OF JESUS CHRIST. STAY STRONG…

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10 comments

  1. Angie, this was so good. It is like we are watching you in your growth in so many ways…emotionally, spiritually, in your gift of writing. He is using you in a mighty way, my friend!

  2. Such powerful words, Angie! Thank you for being courageous enough to share them with us. I just know that there are many out there that need to read your genuine words of healing and encouragement…I did.

    Blessings to you, Angie.
    Anna K.

  3. What a powerful testimony! It must be hard to write these words, but God gets the glory for your healing and healing others through them. So glad you shared!!

  4. Oh Angie, I am so sorry for what you have suffered, especially the darkness that has followed you and hurt you for so long. Jesus hates when someone harms a child. His words on your behalf are very strong–“It is better that a millstone be tied around their neck…” He fights now for your freedom and truly wants you to live free, but I know that is so much more than just deciding to be free. It is an everyday all day battle, but greater is He that is in you than he that is in the world! You are precious, loved and valued by the One who created the entire universe. What anyone lesser says or does is not important. May you know the perfect love that casts out fear.
    With love,
    Kim

  5. So appreciate your authenticity. The road is a difficult one when you have been hurt as a child by the people who were supposed to love you unconditionally, but you are not an accident, you are the daughter of the Most High King. Psalm 139 brought me so much comfort as I dealt with much of what you have as well.

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