FREEDOM IS POSSIBLE
I am thankful that I never gave up on finding and receiving God's freedom. But more importantly, I am thankful that God never gave up on me.
It is hard to describe to someone else that has never lived with fear, anxiety or agoraphobia, but the best way to try to describe it is that you live in a bubble trying to control the world and not allowing yourself to feel anything that might cause you to become anxious or fearful. Living in the bubble gives you some type of protection, yet in reality, the bubble is only hindering you from living and enjoying life. That is what I have done for over 15 years due to many tragedies in my own life, but for 47 years I have carried around my fear, anxiety like it was my best friend. In reality, it has been my worst enemy. It kept me from living my life…
I never really noticed the pain and anguish my face held. I look back at older pictures of myself even from less than a year ago, and I do not even look like the same person. I see a place of freedom and peace in my eyes and face when I look at pictures today compared to a year ago even. It is amazing how finding some resolution in my heart over the past and dealing with family related issues about the past abuse has also freed me up to move forward.
I wish things with my family could be different but I truly believe that if I allow the same behaviors and abuse to be condoned in my own life by them, then the same treatment will continue. The past cannot be changed or undone, but in my own heart I have to expect better from those that say they love me. Words are not enough. Words are only that: WORDS.
If you say you love me, then you will not abuse me either physically or emotionally. Yet, my mother and siblings say that they love me, yet the treatment of me continues to be just as it has been for 47 years. I cannot and will not accept that any longer in my life. Now the ball is in their courts to do the work to improve their own lives as well as do the work to improve relationships. I have worked on myself for over 4 years in counseling and therapy of one form or another. Through this process I have learned that I am valuable, powerful, purposeful, and thankful to be alive.
It has been a long road of healing and I am sure the process is not complete because there is so much more that needs to be faced and dealt with, but I am thankful that I can now look in the mirror and feel acceptance of myself about 90% of the time, where previously I felt much anquish and hatred toward myself and my struggle with the past, fear and anxiety.
I am thankful that FREEDOM is possible and I am on the path to finding that for myself. I am excited to see where God continues to call me to walk and the doors that continue to open for me. This path is just beginning..
Today, I pray for you to find freedom as well. Leave the past in the past. Don't continue to carry around the baggage of the past because God wants you to let Him carry that for you. It is not yours any longer. Let it go. Move forward. Accept yourself. Forgive. Move on the path God called you to walk. Remember your dreams and reach for them today.