Small beginnings; that is how my life began. Tragedy, heartache, loss, rejection and pain were always pulling at the hem of my pants, wanting me to sit down and wallow in them, yet for some unknown reason to me, I have survived.
I have survived abuse, both physical and emotional. I have survived rejection from as early as two years old by my parents.. I was a “PROBLEM”… I have survived a painful childhood full of loneliness, fear, panic, abandonment as well as neglect. I survived a horrible car wreck that almost took my life as well as another persons life. I survived a teenage pregnancy with no family support. I survived raising a young child while I was still a child myself. I survived all the normal, everyday challenges of being a wife, mother and follower of Christ. I survived three suicides in my family as well as the murder of my grandmother. I survived a life of being married to a police officer husband, who daily risks his life for our community. I have survived many nights alone. I have survived our home being broken into while I was home asleep at night. I have survived years and years of fear, anxiety and eventually agoraphobia…
YET, YOU KNOW WHAT//… SURVIVING ISN’T ENOUGH.. I WANT TO LIVE MY LIFE SO OTHERS KNOW THAT JESUS HEALS, FORGIVES AND RESTORES. I WANT TO LIVE A LIFE THAT IS FULL OF HAPPINESS, JOY, PEACE AND FORGIVENESS, WHICH IS ULTIMATELY THE BEST REVENGE FOR A LIFE THAT STARTED OFF SMALL AND PAINFUL.. THE ENEMY WANTS TO KEEP US BOUND TO OUR PAST. BOUND TO OUR FEARS. BOUND TO OUR LOSSES. BOUND TO THOSE THAT HOLD US CAPTIVE BY THEIR WORDS OF REJECTION, CONDEMNATION OR SHAME.. YET….
GOD HAS SHOWN ME A LIFE BIGGER THAN I COULD HAVE EVER IMAGINED FOR MYSELF. And I am so, so thankful for HIS mercies, which are new every morning. Lamentations 3:23. He has an awesome plan for me and for you as well, yet we must walk out the path He has laid before us. That means healing the wounds of the past, finding forgiveness in our hearts and allowing Him to restore what has been lost due to the enemy. I wake up everyday amazed at the place I am in my life today.
A year ago, I could not even stay alone at night or drive across town alone. Yet, now I have a part time job working at the school as a subsitute teacher. I can drive anywhere I need alone or stay home alone. We have had two vacations as a family, which we have not done in over 10 years. I look forward to the days ahead and I am thankful for the lessons the past has taught me..
One lesson I have learned: I AM STRONGER THAN I THOUGHT AND WORTH GODS LOVE EVEN THOUGH I NEVER BELIEVED I WAS.
How about you? What are you learning in this life you are living? Are you living a life full of Gods love and power or are you sitting on the sidelines waiting for HIM to do something? Well, HE is waiting on you to believe, trust and step out.
Today, I want to offer you hope. If you asked my husband or children, they would tell you that the person I am today did not exsist a year ago. Oh, deep down I am still the same mom and wife who loves them dearly, yet there is a God confidence that I never had before. A belief in myself. A belief that I am good enough just by being myself. I pray you find that place in your own life and heart as well.
I would love to connect with others that have struggled with feelings of worthlessness, anxiety, panic or fear of any kind.
Before I would have said I SUFFER from anxiety, fear and agoraphobia. NOW, I can say I previously suffered from anxiety, fear and agoraphobia. And I can’t wait until our next trip. It will be to celebrate 30 years of marriage to my wonderful, supportive husband.. GOd is good… HUGS to you all