Yet, God LIVES
One day many years ago, my life broke my heart into many small pieces.
I wanted to die right alongside my murdered grandmother.
I waited for the end to come; yet I continued to wake up again and again each morning.
I wanted the pain, hurt and heartache to end, yet there seemed to be no way out of the endless cycle.
Everyone I knew was hurting, but it seemed as though many of the family was able to move forward, be happy and whole much quicker than it was occurring for me.
Days passed. Months passed. Then years passed.
Each day I just waited for the pain to end.. I begged God. I pleaded with Him for answers to the purpose of the loss and the suffering our family was now enduring, yet I seemed to get no answers.
I gave up on myself and then I gave up on God.
He wasn’t listening. He had apparently turned a deaf ear to my cries.
So then we were not on speaking terms, which caused my once controllable anxiety to be uncontrollable. Panic, fear, anxiety, low self-esteem, lack of confidence and total, utter feeling of worthlessness became my best friends as well as my worst enemies. But I saw no point in looking for a solution. Apparently, this was my lot in life.
Loss, suffering, abuse, neglect, family dysfunction, generational curses, suicides, murders: THIS WAS MY LIFE.
But God had a bigger plan for me, even when He knew we were not on speaking terms. Slowly, but surely He began working on my heart. It was not a quick process because I am very stubborn in many ways. He knew that I would have to totally reach the bottom of the PIT before He could rescue me. Why would He take the time to rescue someone that had no desire to be happy? Why would He search for a lost soul so desperately? I don’t quite understand that either, yet God doesn’t seem to see our lives in the same viewfinder that we often look through. He sees our potential and our worth because He designed us for HIS purpose. As humans, we are the ones that get sidetracked.
God never left me..
I left HIM, yet He slowly continued to reach out for my hand day after day, until just at the right time, I reached back. He has not given up on me, which means I cannot give up on myself.
Over a period of time( 6 or 7 years) God did a might work in my heart, which allowed forgiveness to be offered for the grandfather who took my grandmother’s life as well as his own in 1996. The journey has not been easy, but I know that one fateful day can change a life in so many ways.
I am thankful for the 31 years I was able to be Neenie’s grandchild. She taught me so many valuable lessons in life, but the best lesson she ever taught me was to ask Jesus into my heart at the age of 10 years old. Without a godly grandmother, I would not have been in church as a child. God knew this wonderful lady would make a huge impact on my life and I am forever grateful for being able to call her NEENIE for 31 years.
Oh, I have many regrets in life and time I wish I could recapture, but I have learned to let go of the guilt and pain of not dying right along with Neenie that fateful night in 1996. I was supposed to be at her home that fateful night, but God sent me in another direction and plans changed. I felt guilty because I thought maybe the outcome would have been different if I had been at her home. Now I know that I would have been killed as well, which would have left my two sons without a mother.
I don’t think I will ever understand the way life can leave us so broken and lost, yet I know that God never causes pain just to cause pain. There is a plan and purpose for all life’s hurts and loss. We may not see the full picture why we are walking the streets of planet earth, but one day when we reach the streets of gold, all will be clearly understood.
Life is not easy and definitely can leave us broken, but don’t lose hope.
I want to leave you with a verse that is very unfamiliar in the Bible, but a verse that offered me much healing in my journey out of the loss of my grandmother as well as out of anxiety, fear and agoraphobia.
He fees on ashes; A deceived heart has turned him aside;
And he cannot deliver his soul, nor say, Is there not a life in my right hand?
I lived with the belief for much of my adult life, that God cannot use the pain and struggles I have faced for His glory, yet I continued to hang onto “such and such” as part of my story instead of allowing God to write HIS story for my life.
I am not:
Anxiety, Suicide, Murder, Childhood Neglect or Abuse
Fear, Panic Attacks, Agoraphobia, Fibromyalgia
God’s design, Worthy, Loved, Powerful and Chosen
Today, I want to offer you hope.
No matter what has happened to you, been done to you, or you have walked through…. GOD CAN REDEEM.
There is never a place you find yourself in that God is not there. He is always drawing you back to HIM, even when you feel the most alone. Do not give way to the “ashes” but search for the beauty in the world and in yourself. God doesn’t make junk and He uses all things for His purpose according to Romans 8: 28.