Abuse

Keep Walking

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Photo Credit:

P. J. Di Benedetto

When we learned to walk as a baby, it was tough at times. We often fell down, cried or even through a fit, but over time we still learned to walk.

Our parents would offer us help and encouragement, but even that couldn’t teach us how to walk. Walking just basically required us “doing” the work to learn the process. One step at a time. Then one day we were walking more than a few step at a time and before long we were running with other children. Walking isn’t something we knew when we were born, but through trial and error, we eventually learned the steps to becoming more independent.

Now, when we think about the Christian walk. It is basically the same process. We don’t have any clue how to face the struggles life hands us, but over time we learn to use our faith even in the deepest pits of life. No life is a bowl of cherries. We all face hardships, difficulties and pain in this life;whether of our own doing or someone else’s. Life can hand us pain unimaginable at times. I know in my own life, I can certainly attest to that.

As a child I never knew how much pain I was carrying around because it seemed normal. Yet, over time the shoving the pain down began to manifest itself in the way of anxiety, fear, and eventually agoraphobia. This certainly was not the life I dreamed of as a child. Life became unbearable, yet I saw no way out. The roller coaster only intensified after the murder/suicide of my grandparents.

I am giving you that example because I can certainly relate to trials, pain and tragedies, yet over time I had to learn that my life wasn’t going to change unless I changed.

Changed my thoughts

Changed how I let the past control me

Changed relationships and the power they held

Began to trust and believe in myself

I can never change the pain of the past, the loss of loved ones to horrible tragedies, but I have learned that I must

Keep Walking

Even when it is hard

Even when the path is unclear

Even when the naysayers are loud

Even when the end seems so far away

Nothing in life is easy and usually the sweetest accomplishments are the hardest fought.

Praying for you today to feel God’s love and His peace. He has a wonderful plan for you. Love to each of you.

I am having a new website designed, so in a few weeks I will have a new landing. Hope you will check back often to see the new site.

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Are you in Egypt?

This song resonates with me and the real shaking my family is currently facing.

I have  faced spiritual battles before in my own life; especially when it has come to my bondage and stronghold to fear, anxiety and agoraphobia. Yet, this battle is even more…

More painful.

More loss involved.

More on the line.

Lives. Families. Relationships. Sin. Eternal.

The song by Sara Groves has really spoke to my heart lately.

Life was comfortable before because I knew what the day was going to hold. I knew that I would be fearful, anxious and panic stricken in most every part of the day. The life I am living now is more uncomfortable, especially in the present day of such a spiritual attack on my life and the lives of those I love.

Yet, I know the past is closed off to me.

The past is so tangible. I know it by heart. Such powerful words from the song.. Oh, they speak to me. I knew the past by heart.

Familiar things are hard to discard. Oh My.. Yes.

I lived in such a path of darkness for so long. My eyes were covered by  fear. I felt I had no value to anyone. The ones that I so desperately wanted to love me, totally abandoned me and left me feeling worthless. Even though the familiar was unhappy, damaging and not the best God had for me, I stayed stuck.

Stuck because I didn’t feel worthy of any other life.

I was painting pictures of Egypt but none were coming true. The past had such a hold, yet the future seemed unattainable. I was stuck in the middle. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting.

I so desperately wanted to go, yet I hesitated. Fear continued to hold me back.

I was caught between the PROMISE and the things I knew.

One of the verses in this song says, ” But the places that used to fit me, cannot hold the things I have learned. ”

I cannot explain how this song has spoke to my heart. Life changing.
Beyond words.

Did someone tell Sara Groves my story because it seems that this song was written just for me.

I so desperately wanted freedom from the past abuse, neglect, fear, anxiety and agoraphobia, but I saw no solution. Yet, God had bigger plans.

He set me free from anxiety, fear and agoraphobia in August 2012. After 40 years of living with this I am now free. Free to travel. Free to drive alone. Free to be happy, whole and ANGIE.

The timing was right for the Lord to heal me.

The song says, ” If it comes too quick I may not recognize it. ”

If God had done this tremendous work in my life 8 years ago, would I have been ready? Would I be in the place I am with my ministry? Would I be in a place where freedom would truly be mine?

I am not so sure. His timing was right, just as it always is.

Yesterday I  fasted, prayed and sought the Word and will of the Lord for the shaking and attack my family is currently under. So much pain. So many unanswered questions.

Yet, even when the shaking continues..

I will not let the enemy win and I certainly will not go back to the past life I once lived. I have come too far.

Prayer for you and me:

Lord, today I want to thank you for the many blessings you have bestowed on me and my family. I ask that you do the same for the reader. Help them to feel your love and your powerful healing touch for whatever they may be facing. Life is hard, yet we are over-comers with you on our side. Nothing can break the love you have for us as believers. We stand connected with you and the armies of angels surrounding us. Even when life feels like it is so painful, we continue to trust and believe in your better plan. We don’t see what you are doing behind the scenes, but you know the perfect time and place to have all the pieces fit together. Lord, help us to continue to trust, love and accept. Acceptance does not mean we are happy, but it does mean we know you are faithful to perfect all that concerns us and our loved ones. Lord, watch over and protect my family. We know the restoration, love and healing is possible. One day, I hope to be able to tell the full story of the restoring power of JESUS.

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Forgive and Forget?

I have been doing a lot of thinking about a scripture verse in Luke 17:3-4 which says:

Take heed to yourselves. If your brother sins against you, rebuke him; and if he repents, forgive him. And if he sins against you seven times in a day, and seven times in a day returns to you saying ” I repent, and you shall forgive him.  KJV.

This has been a struggle for me in my own “first” family as Elisa Morgan describes in her book ”  The Beauty of the Broken.”

beauty and broken

My “first” family is not healthy, whole or even in the least happy, yet they often do not even realize it. Since I have overcome my anxiety, fear and Agoraphobia my family continues to try to pull me back into the dysfunction and often crazy behavior.

My healing is mine and I certainly can not heal them but I wish I could. I wish I could give them the same freedom I have found, but I personally do not feel that they even want the happiness and joy that God has given me. For years, I also lived a very unhealthy, unhappy exsitence.

Some folks like drama and some folks like to be unhealthy.

Reading the verse I was discussing it with a pastor friend and he said,

” If a person repents, then you forgive. But if they don’t repent and ask for forgiveness with a sorrow that is Godly; not a “I got caught sorrow” then you can forgive the person and have a relationship. The Godly sorrow and repentance must come from a sorrowful heart that is broken for the pain they caused.”

I then questioned, ” If they do not repent, do you have a relationship after rebuking them which then allows them to continue to do the same thing again?  He said, ” NO” Rebuking and repentance must go hand in hand for total forgiveness and restoration to happen.

But forgiveness comes in either instance. Whether they ask for forgiveness or not, we as Christians must forgive, but that does not mean we forget and fall into the same trap again with this person.

I know that I can forgive my family and have had to repeatedly do that over my lifetime of horrible atrocities. Just because I forgive does not mean that they have had a repentant heart or EVER apologized in any form or fashion. From a physical assault by my brother, to damaging letters about my child, to hot checks being written repeatedly to on and on. No apologizes ever.

Yet, there are some folks that stand behind the belief that forgiveness means you must have contact with that person again. I stand to differ. I believe forgiveness is always our goal because without forgiveness we become bitter, angry, resentful Christians. Yet, boundaries are often necessary.

Forgiveness is different from having a relationship with the offender again.

Luke 17: 3-4 makes it clear we are to rebuke, repent and then forgive.

I believe the Word of God is powerful and allows the believer to fight the good fight.

Fight

Stand

Believe

Put on the Whole Armor of God

My God is all-powerful and has equipped me for the battles I face.

I can forgive and have, but that does not mean that I will back down in a spiritual battle for my healing and my 2nd family.

One day we will each have to answer for what we have done on this earth; good and bad.

I am a sinner that is full of God’s mercy. Thankfully.

I am not perfect and do not claim to be perfect. I am an over-comer and will continue to overcome.

What the enemy has thrown my way by the hands of my “first” family, the God of the Universe will use for my good. Nothing will be wasted.

My story will stand.

How about you?

I would love to hear your thoughts on this verse and something you have had to learn the hard way about relationships.

Today, Lord we come to You asking for your protection and mercy for all of us that are so undeserving. We pray for those that have hurt us along the path of this life. Life is hard and the pain is often overwhelming, but I know that nothing You allow into our lives is ever wasted. Help us to not be overcome with evil and lash out at those that have hurt us. Help us to stand strong and face the battles with Your Word and the power of the Sword. You are all powerful and for that I am thankful. POWER and PROMISES.

Love Is Safe

Love is Safe

Do you agree with that statement?

I know personally that for years I truly believed that love was painful, hurtful and full of anger, yet over the last 30 years of being married to Mike, I have learned a different definition of love.

Oh, of course our story has not been perfect or free from hurt or pain, but I know the definition I have learned from being with Mike, is totally different from the “LOVE” my parents, siblings and other extended family has shown me.

Their love was exhibited in anger, abuse, neglect and damage to others I love or have loved.

This is not LOVE.. This is Hate and not anything I want to be a part of.

The love I have learned in the last 30 years will never make up for the lack of love and acceptance I didn’t receive in my childhood or teenage years, but a life well lived is often the best revenge.

I will not lose any more of my life to people that only wish to hurt me.

What are your views on this? Do you agree or are you a person that feels we are to stay connected to family no matter what they do or say?

I believe my life is so much better than theirs that they just cannot handle the reality of it.

I am not boasting.. I am just stating a fact.

They do not want me healed, happy or whole, yet God has called me out the past fear, anxiety, and agoraphobia just for that reason. I truly believe if God and I had not a “meet to” I would not be in the place I am in at this time. I probably would be dead due to the mental anguish I was constantly in because of the fear and anxiety.

God did a huge work in the life of a sinner when He healed me from the past abuse, neglect and fear, but when He told me ” You cannot go back”, I knew that I had to have boundaries.

Love is Safe.

Not perfect; Just safe.

Today, I want to offer you hope. Nothing you have faced in the past or even today is ever wasted, but I also know that God does not want me or you to keep going back to the “waste”, but to move forward to the place God has called us to be today. The past is over and all we have is today. You and I are both more than conquerors with Christ in our corner. I keep pushing forward and seeking the will of God. The enemy keeps trying but I keep fighting. How about you? Are you going to give up or keep fighting? Our God is bigger than anything the enemy can throw at us. Don’t forget that.. Fight and Win…