Pain

Choose to Believe

Choose to Believe

We all have choices to make each day.

Choices to believe

or not to believe

Choices whether to love or hate

Forgive or hold onto to unforgiveness

Grow or remain stagnant

Live or Die

Believe in God

or

Deny God

For me, many of these are easier than others. One that will never change will be to BELIEVE IN GOD. I have faced 3 suicides, a murder, abuse, neglect, car wrecks, anxiety, fear, agoraphobia, loss of jobs, friendships, as well as other tragedies, but through it all I have never stopped believing in God. My faith has been shaken but no denying God has stepped in more than once to protect, guide, and love me through it all.

Believe in God

Even when it is hard

Even when you want to give up

Lean into HIM

Praying for you today. Lean into HIM and HIS love for you. It is unconditional and full of peace if you trust HIM and HIS plan. HIS plan will always be best. Life happens but nothing is out of HIS control.

CHOOSE TO BELIEVE

Linking up with:

Simply Beth

My Daily Walk in His Grace

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Are you in Egypt?

This song resonates with me and the real shaking my family is currently facing.

I have  faced spiritual battles before in my own life; especially when it has come to my bondage and stronghold to fear, anxiety and agoraphobia. Yet, this battle is even more…

More painful.

More loss involved.

More on the line.

Lives. Families. Relationships. Sin. Eternal.

The song by Sara Groves has really spoke to my heart lately.

Life was comfortable before because I knew what the day was going to hold. I knew that I would be fearful, anxious and panic stricken in most every part of the day. The life I am living now is more uncomfortable, especially in the present day of such a spiritual attack on my life and the lives of those I love.

Yet, I know the past is closed off to me.

The past is so tangible. I know it by heart. Such powerful words from the song.. Oh, they speak to me. I knew the past by heart.

Familiar things are hard to discard. Oh My.. Yes.

I lived in such a path of darkness for so long. My eyes were covered by  fear. I felt I had no value to anyone. The ones that I so desperately wanted to love me, totally abandoned me and left me feeling worthless. Even though the familiar was unhappy, damaging and not the best God had for me, I stayed stuck.

Stuck because I didn’t feel worthy of any other life.

I was painting pictures of Egypt but none were coming true. The past had such a hold, yet the future seemed unattainable. I was stuck in the middle. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting.

I so desperately wanted to go, yet I hesitated. Fear continued to hold me back.

I was caught between the PROMISE and the things I knew.

One of the verses in this song says, ” But the places that used to fit me, cannot hold the things I have learned. ”

I cannot explain how this song has spoke to my heart. Life changing.
Beyond words.

Did someone tell Sara Groves my story because it seems that this song was written just for me.

I so desperately wanted freedom from the past abuse, neglect, fear, anxiety and agoraphobia, but I saw no solution. Yet, God had bigger plans.

He set me free from anxiety, fear and agoraphobia in August 2012. After 40 years of living with this I am now free. Free to travel. Free to drive alone. Free to be happy, whole and ANGIE.

The timing was right for the Lord to heal me.

The song says, ” If it comes too quick I may not recognize it. ”

If God had done this tremendous work in my life 8 years ago, would I have been ready? Would I be in the place I am with my ministry? Would I be in a place where freedom would truly be mine?

I am not so sure. His timing was right, just as it always is.

Yesterday I  fasted, prayed and sought the Word and will of the Lord for the shaking and attack my family is currently under. So much pain. So many unanswered questions.

Yet, even when the shaking continues..

I will not let the enemy win and I certainly will not go back to the past life I once lived. I have come too far.

Prayer for you and me:

Lord, today I want to thank you for the many blessings you have bestowed on me and my family. I ask that you do the same for the reader. Help them to feel your love and your powerful healing touch for whatever they may be facing. Life is hard, yet we are over-comers with you on our side. Nothing can break the love you have for us as believers. We stand connected with you and the armies of angels surrounding us. Even when life feels like it is so painful, we continue to trust and believe in your better plan. We don’t see what you are doing behind the scenes, but you know the perfect time and place to have all the pieces fit together. Lord, help us to continue to trust, love and accept. Acceptance does not mean we are happy, but it does mean we know you are faithful to perfect all that concerns us and our loved ones. Lord, watch over and protect my family. We know the restoration, love and healing is possible. One day, I hope to be able to tell the full story of the restoring power of JESUS.

Linking up with :

More To Be

Little By Little

Same but different

How can three siblings be so different yet grew up in the same home?

I wonder.

scar

I know for me being the middle child, life was much different from it was for my other two siblings. One sister was 3 years older and then a baby brother was 11 years younger. I was a good kid who loved to read, ride her bike, play outside and play “office” in her room. I was quiet and shy much of my early years, which meant that my mom called me names from a very early age. “I was a “problem”. I was not ” normal”.  There had to be something “wrong” with me. Why was I so fearful? Why did I cry so much? Couldn’t I be like my sister? ”

From as early as 3 or 4 years old, this was my everyday life. We lived one way at home behind closed doors and another in public. Most of the extended family could see how I was treated but often was fearful of confronting the situation because of the possible distancing of me from them. Most felt that if they kept me close, then at least I could be protected on some level.

Most were wrong.
I was not protected.I was not safe.

I lived in fear each day of once again waking up to the nightmare, yet dreaded sleep even more. Sleep frightened me. Darkness overwhelmed me. Fear was my best friend. At least with fear I knew what to expect. I couldn’t say the same for my parents or siblings.

It is still that way today. I never know from one minute to the next what my “first” family will do today to try to hurt me or harm my 2nd family. The family that I so love is often hurt so deeply by the out reaching tentacles of the “crazy” ones.

Family that I wish loved me, as I love them

wanted me healthy, happy and whole, as I pray  for them

cherished my children, as I do theirs

wished the best for me,  as I do them.

But after reading Elisa Morgan’s newest book, ” The Beauty of Broken” I have come to the realization that we each have adapted to our raising and childhood in different ways. I had to leave that life from the day I turned 18, while the other two have stayed entrenched in that life. If I had not left, I would have lost myself even more. It took me until I was 46 years old to finally try to find ” Angie” and to really seek what God said about me. To block out what has been said about me by my first family. To believe I am worth more. To believe I am loved. Such hard truths to accept. Yet, I am on the road today.

I would have lost me if I had stayed any longer.

I would recommend this powerful book to anyone struggling in their own family. Elisa shares the ups and down of her childhood as well as her life as a mother, wife and the struggles of that family. Powerful reading and you will walk away looking at your relationships in a different light.

Side Note: When my dad passed away 12 years ago, my mother wanted everyone to write something on the pine box casket. My husband wrote, ” Dennis, thank you for giving me your wonderful daughter Angie to love and cherish. She is so special to me. ”

My mom went behind hubby and marked out the writing.

 

You Are Beautiful

God calls you beautiful.

Beauty is fleeting in the worlds standards, but in God’s eyes, you are beautiful. From the moment you were just a twinkle in your parents eyes, God has loved you.

He sees you perfectly beautiful, full of possibility and totally cherished.

God sees YOU.

The real you; not the YOU the world, friends or family has told you that YOU are or were.

God doesn’t see your past, nor does HE listen to the static words of what others have said to you or about you. No one else’s opinions matter to God, other than HIS own.

He understands that the words of the past often haunt you, but He doesn’t give your past any power because once we accept Jesus Christ into our hearts and lives; our past is as far as the east is to the west.  (Gone forever)

HE is the designer of YOU and YOUR potential.

You are beautiful

You Are Beautiful

Photo Credit:

P. J. Di Benedetto

Text added by Angie Webb

Don’t doubt your worth.

Trust God knew best when He created you.

Love yourself and always want the best.

Don’t settle for less than the best.

YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL

Lord, I ask that you touch the reader today and help them to know their value in Your eyes. Help us to remember that You designed us perfectly beautiful. We are not mistakes nor are we the past we often tend to carry around behind us. We are set free to live our lives following in the call that You instilled in our hearts from the moment we were created. No person is lost in Your eyes. Each one hold value that is unmeasurable by the worlds standards; but we need to remember that our lives are to be lived by Your standard. Value. Purpose. Beautiful. Free. Happy. Making a difference.

Remember folks, WE WIN. The end of the story is already written and the enemy will not succeed in winning this battle. Stand strong and take the time to look in the mirror today to remind yourself: YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL.

Praying for each of you today.

HUGS and LOVE

Trusting in Him,

Angie

Linking with Woman to Woman

My Daily Walk In His Grace

Simply Beth

To Know Me

To know me, you would have to know me on many different levels.

For years I hid behind a wall that was so tall no one could get close. I hid behind a mask as well, pretending that all was well while on many levels, my life was a chaotic mess.

What do you look like behind the walls and masks?

Do you like yourself?

Do you enjoy being alone with yourself or do you always need others around?

Do you feel happy with your life or are you just pretending everything is okay?

Do you believe you are living a life full of purpose or just going through the motions?

I could say for many years; probably most of my life I could say I didn’t like myself, didn’t want to be alone and certainly was only going through the motions.

Life had dealt me a hand of many trials, tragedies and pain that I seemed to be unable to overcome.

Pain so deep that I often just wanted to crawl in a hole and die.

Hurt2

Pain so deep that no one could understand.

Loss so painful…

Too much to handle, yet my life continued on no matter how desperately I often wished it would end.

Can you relate at all?

Life can be tough just in everyday life. But my life has been anything but normal.

Tragedy has followed my family in so many ways. Too painful to even describe on many levels because the reality is just so disturbing. Disturbing  images of loss of loved ones to suicides and murder are just too damaging to even describe, yet that is what I have had to live with in my own mind for over 20 years.

Yet, God has allowed me to overcome much of my painful past. He has done a tremendous work in my heart and mind over the last two years.  Freedom is possible.

I will never allow the enemy to speak to me of the past and try to control my present. The past will never be forgotten but the past is over. Today is all I am guaranteed. Tomorrow is not promised and the past cannot be changed, so why continue to live there.

Would you mind if I prayed for you?

Lord, I come to you asking you to allow freedom to come to the reader. Help them to find peace and freedom through Your Word and  to feel Your love in the situations they are facing. Help us to allow the walls and masks to be laid aside while we seek to find our true selves. Life can be a battle but the battle is ultimately won by Your Word and by the power of the blood. Evil has no power in our lives. Help us to know ourselves and to believe in ourselves. We deserve the best and often the best is misplaced in the battles of life but YOU have overcome the world by sending YOUR son Jesus Christ to live in our hearts. We believe and want the best, which also means we want to KNOW YOU and KNOW OURSELVES. Thank YOU, Lord for all YOU have done in my own life and for the continued peace. God, grant it to everyone reading this today.

Just an Unworthy Woman with a Powerful God

NEENIE

THIS IS MY GRANDMA, NEENIE AND SOME OF HER OIL PAINTINGS.

If you are like me, I often just sit back and wonder why my God is so good to me.. I don’t feel worthy and I am certainly not doing anything of great value in this life, yet for some unknown reason, He continues to bless me over and over..

I stay in awe of the power of God in my life especially when I look back at the way my life began and the tragedies I have faced through losses due to several family members suicides as well as the murder of my grandmother; I often wonder how I have the life I live now..

Each day the loss of my family members and especially my grandmother, Neenie is always there. She and I had a special relationship. She was a unique individual and a grandmother that few had the privilige of knowing, but through Gods grace and mercy He knew that I needed this wonderful woman in my life to help me through the abuse and anxiety as well as the rejection I faced as a child. Without my grandmother I would not know the Lord. Without my grandmother I certainly would not be a walking testament of the power of the Lord in my life because I believe I would have made another choice to go down another path in life to escape the painful home life I encountered day after day. I was told once by a counselor/therapist that I was lucky that I had not ended up as a prostitute, drug addict or alcoholic due to the extreme circumstances I faced as a child and young adult.

I KNOW THAT I AM NOT IN THAT PLACE BECAUSE I HAD A PRAYING GRANDMOTHER AND A POWERFUL GOD that saw something in me that I certainly never felt at home from my parents or siblings. For that, I am forever thankful.

I miss my grandmother because I know she would love getting to see the way my life is unfolding and how I have grown in my walk with the Lord. I know she would be thrilled to have the opportunity to know my sons as adult men with their own lives and children, yet that was not in the cards for our family. It breaks my heart to know that my children did not get the opportunity to know this Godly woman who made such a difference in my own life, yet I hope by the way I live my life and the memories I share with my two sons, they have a small glimpse in to the power of one person in someones life as well as the power of ALMIGHTY GOD.

I truly believe that God has used my past to help others struggling with fear, anxiety, agoraphobia as well as horrific tragedies, but that will never take away the pain of loss. Yet, thankfully over time the pain diminishes and the memories grow sweeter instead of only being painful, but the loss will always be a part of my story. Tragedy changes a person and it certainly has the capability to make the person more thankful for those we love and the time we share, but often it makes the person only bitter, angry and resentful.

I was bitter at one point after such deep losses in a period of 6 years, but through much time, prayer, counseling and love, the pain, bitterness and anger is gone. I know that without trials, loss and often pain, God cannot work in our lives. According to Romans 8:28, God can use everything for His glory if we allow Him to take the reins. Giving up control has been the most difficult for me personally because I am very much a TYPE A personality but each day when I look at my life and the love that I have with my husband and children, I am thankful even for the pain I have felt and the loss I have suffered. Each day I feel…. WOW, this is my life.

I am married to the love of my life for 30 years; since he was 16 and I was 18 years old. I get to write about my life and lessons I am learning. I have the opportunity to connect with other great authors, bloggers and FB friends. Both hubby and I are healthy and happy. Our children are making their own paths and finding their own way. Life is good and for that I am forever thankful.

I am just an UNWORHTY WOMAN WITH A POWERFUL GOD…

This peace and purpose is available to all who call on the name of the Lord and ask Him to come live inside their hearts while confessing all of their sins. God offers forgiveness freely and holds no grudges. He remembers our sins no more after we confess them to Him. Today, God wants to connect with you and have a relationship that only You and He can have. It is easy. Just speak from your heart.. God Bless.

With God on our side; WE AlWAYS WIN… I WIN AND YOU WIN..

Can God Heal a Broken Heart? Yes, He can !!!

Can God Heal a Broken Heart? Why, Yes He Can!!!!

In the face of tragedy, such as the Sandy Hook School shooting, we often wonder where was God and why did He not stop the murders of innocent people. Yet, God was there. He saw it all and it broke HIS heart as well.

As humans, we will never understand God or His ways, but the Bible has told us this already. (Isaiah 55:8)

 We beg and plead for God to give us an answer as to why we suffer, why there is death and why and why over and over.. Yet, He is the only one that will truly ever understand the purpose behind all of the brokenhearted souls and the weeping for the tragic we see in this world day after day.

In my own life I have had more tragedies than I care to admit.

3 suicides of family members as well as the murder of my grandmother by my grandfather who then took his own life. ..

 I don’t personally know anyone else that has had such dramatic, horrible tragedies happen one right after the other. All of this took place in a 6 year period.

You can count on the fact that I begged, pleaded, cried, screamed, demanded as well as just got plain, old angry over all of the loss my family continued to have with no clear answers and never understanding any better whether it was one day later or 16 years later as it is now. Time goes on and life continues to move forward even when we basically want to sit on the sidelines and grieve.  God grieves right along with us yet He does not grow tired of our questions. He definitely understands our feelings and sits there holding our hand and our heart as we grieve and ask our continual questions. Be assured; He understands. His Word tells us that He will offer strength to the feeble hands and steady the knees that are about to give way to anguish, loss and pain. (Isaiah 35:3) He knows the depth of our pain and offers us HIS help in many tangible ways but often in ways we don’t even see until days, months or even years later.

The loss of a loved one runs deep and carves out a place in our heart that will always be empty on some levels, but in God’s time, we will find a new life without this wonderful person in our lives. We will always miss them and always wish they were here on earth with us, but sitting in our grief for a time is understandable, but I do not think it is healthy to stay there.

I have never lost a child to murder so I cannot say how I would feel in that situation, but I do know that God gave His ONLY son to die on the cross for my sins so that I could have eternal life in heaven with my Heavenly Father. So God has felt the loss of a child and HE is there walking along side these parents that continue to have such deep, open wounds of loss. He understands. He has felt the pain of losing a child.  According to Genesis 6:5-6, God grieved so this allows us to see in the Word that God has the capability to grieve, which in such situations as Sandy Hook School, suicides, murders, and other horrific tragedies, we know that God is feeling the same sadness as His children are experiencing. Isaiah 25:8 says “The Sovereign Lord will wipe away the tears from all faces. “

I know that as a parent, we wish we could protect our children from any and all harm in this often, evil world, but evil is just a fact of life. God has a plan and a purpose for all that happens, even when we don’t understand.

I look back on the time from 1990 to 1996 and the way that 6 years changed me and my family on many different levels, but more importantly, it changed my children. My oldest son struggled with fear of death for many, many years. He was so afraid of losing anyone else he loved; he basically shut off all feelings at all. He became a very hard, angry person who continues to struggle today at the age of 28 years old. We, as his parents, did all we knew to do. I know in my own life, my fear and anxiety which I had struggled with my whole life, eventually led to agoraphobia. For 16 years, I have lived my life in a bubble of just trying to survive and make it day to day with a huge monster of fear, anxiety, and agoraphobia constantly sitting on my shoulder giving me the evil eye.

I had a good life with my husband and children, yet something was always missing.

My heart has now healed from the brokenness it has felt for 16 years. God has done a tremendous work in my heart, mind and soul because I can now talk about the fear, anxiety and agoraphobia and know that I was given that thorn to carry for a purpose. He used that time of anger, fear, depression and agoraphobia to refine me into the woman I am now becoming. I had lived a life that was defined by others, whether it was my family saying negative words to me about my fear or whether it was being described as the “granddaughter of so and so that was murdered.” Those words took a toll on my heart and I began to believe that was the only value I had in life; being defined by a negative. But, you see, God had a different plan for me and that plan includes good, peace, victory, hope, love, acceptance, joy… all good. You may be in the depths of a tragedy such as Sandy Hook or maybe something not quite so tragic, but regardless of the magnitude, God is still walking along side you. He never leaves you nor forsakes you according to Hebrews

Yet, I am here to tell you today, the negatives can be used for God’s positive. He will take the nails that someone else wants to nail into our coffin to say we are done in this life and use those same nails to build something new. (Isaiah 43:19) He has shown me that even though I will never understand the many, overwhelming WHY’s? of my life, He will continue to move me forward in helping me tell my story so others that have faced huge loss such as the Sandy Hook School, will know to never give up, never doubt God’s faithfulness and His sovereignty because He is always the right choice, even when we wish the outcome was different.

Father God, today I ask that you touch those that are hurting today, whether from the Sandy Hook School shooting or some other reality in their lives. I don’t know where the reader is at today, but you, in your all-knowing can meet them in the place of their need right now. I ask you to speak peace into their lives. I ask you to bring freedom from past pain. I ask that you guide them into a new place of healing. Break the chains of bondage from fear, anxiety, depression, suicide, generational curses and guide the reader into the healing waters of your love. Help us to feel your presence today and every day. I know the enemy uses the generational curses of our families to keep us bound to the enemy, but in your Word, we know that the freedom you have for us is ours if we ask. Lord, today I am asking you to meet us at our point of need. Whether it is to dry our tears, hold our hand, open a new door for us to walk through or close a door we need to leave shut, You know best. (Isaiah 48:17). God, we are thankful you are an ever present help for us in our times of trouble. Our world is facing times of trouble and I pray, Lord for the people to wake up… Lord, forgive us where we have failed you and fallen short. We know you want the best for us and I pray you will guide us onto the path we need to go..

 

Broken and Beautiful

Broken: According to Dictionary.com, broken is defined as:

not functioning properly

ruptured, torn or reduced to fragments

Life sometimes hands us our life in broken pieces. Maybe it wasn’t intentional on our part, but we just end up having so many broken pieces that we don’t know if we will ever recover. Pieces are not wasted in God’s eyes.

Even when we it appears that nothing more can be done in our lives, God is still there working behind the scenes to continue to draw us closer to Him, make us more like Him and lead us on the path that HE designed for each of us personally.

Broken pieces can come in more forms such as:

  1. divorce
  2. suicide
  3. murder
  4. adulter
  5. wayward children
  6. financial pressures
  7. dysfunction in extended family
  8. employment issues
  9. health issues
  10. faith issues

Nothing in this life is going to be easy, yet often as Christians we believe we are immune to problems; or we should be. But God says in this life we will have trials and tribulation according to James 1:2. Trials are part of life, unfortunately. Broken pieces often result from these same trials, but that does not mean God cannot later use them for His glory and His good just as it says in Romans 8:28. ” And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.” God’s purpose is always for our good, even when we feel the world is crumbling around us.

I know, personally this feeling on many levels. When I lost my brother-in-law to suicide. Then again when I lost my grandmother to murder by my grandfather, who then took his own life. My world certainly felt like it was crumbling to the ground during those times, but I have also had health issues, financial issues, dysfunction in my family, employment problems and on and on just like most everyone else.

Yet, today I can tell you that none of the “broken” have resulted in my life being any less valuable to God and I am finally understanding that is what has definetly made me the person I am today.

I want to offer you hope today.

  1. Remember, even when you feel the world is against you; God is for you.
  2. Even when you feel like you can’t go another day in the situation you are in now; God is walking beside you holding your hand.
  3. Even if you aren’t sure where your next meal will come from; God is going to provide.
  4. Even if you are not sure if you are loved; God sent His only son to die on the cross for YOU so you are definetly loved.

I want to leave you with a quote that I read many years ago and it has been one of my favorites.

THE WORLD BREAKS EVERYONE, AND THOSE WHO ARE BROKEN ARE STRONGEST IN THE BROKEN PLACES.

Lord, You are our ever present help in times of need. We ask that you help us to see our broken places as a place for newness to begin. You have a good plan, even though at times we must go through pain to get to the BEST You have for us. Help us to not lose hope or faith but to continue to move forward in our walk you have set us on at this time. Our future is still open and the possibilites are endless for what our lives hold, even from the broken. I am thankful Lord that even when I felt that the broken was the end of me, You once again picked me up and led me to a “new” place in my life. Help those reading this to find the same hope in YOU Lord.