People Pleasing

Same but different

How can three siblings be so different yet grew up in the same home?

I wonder.

scar

I know for me being the middle child, life was much different from it was for my other two siblings. One sister was 3 years older and then a baby brother was 11 years younger. I was a good kid who loved to read, ride her bike, play outside and play “office” in her room. I was quiet and shy much of my early years, which meant that my mom called me names from a very early age. “I was a “problem”. I was not ” normal”.  There had to be something “wrong” with me. Why was I so fearful? Why did I cry so much? Couldn’t I be like my sister? ”

From as early as 3 or 4 years old, this was my everyday life. We lived one way at home behind closed doors and another in public. Most of the extended family could see how I was treated but often was fearful of confronting the situation because of the possible distancing of me from them. Most felt that if they kept me close, then at least I could be protected on some level.

Most were wrong.
I was not protected.I was not safe.

I lived in fear each day of once again waking up to the nightmare, yet dreaded sleep even more. Sleep frightened me. Darkness overwhelmed me. Fear was my best friend. At least with fear I knew what to expect. I couldn’t say the same for my parents or siblings.

It is still that way today. I never know from one minute to the next what my “first” family will do today to try to hurt me or harm my 2nd family. The family that I so love is often hurt so deeply by the out reaching tentacles of the “crazy” ones.

Family that I wish loved me, as I love them

wanted me healthy, happy and whole, as I pray  for them

cherished my children, as I do theirs

wished the best for me,  as I do them.

But after reading Elisa Morgan’s newest book, ” The Beauty of Broken” I have come to the realization that we each have adapted to our raising and childhood in different ways. I had to leave that life from the day I turned 18, while the other two have stayed entrenched in that life. If I had not left, I would have lost myself even more. It took me until I was 46 years old to finally try to find ” Angie” and to really seek what God said about me. To block out what has been said about me by my first family. To believe I am worth more. To believe I am loved. Such hard truths to accept. Yet, I am on the road today.

I would have lost me if I had stayed any longer.

I would recommend this powerful book to anyone struggling in their own family. Elisa shares the ups and down of her childhood as well as her life as a mother, wife and the struggles of that family. Powerful reading and you will walk away looking at your relationships in a different light.

Side Note: When my dad passed away 12 years ago, my mother wanted everyone to write something on the pine box casket. My husband wrote, ” Dennis, thank you for giving me your wonderful daughter Angie to love and cherish. She is so special to me. ”

My mom went behind hubby and marked out the writing.

 

You Are Beautiful

God calls you beautiful.

Beauty is fleeting in the worlds standards, but in God’s eyes, you are beautiful. From the moment you were just a twinkle in your parents eyes, God has loved you.

He sees you perfectly beautiful, full of possibility and totally cherished.

God sees YOU.

The real you; not the YOU the world, friends or family has told you that YOU are or were.

God doesn’t see your past, nor does HE listen to the static words of what others have said to you or about you. No one else’s opinions matter to God, other than HIS own.

He understands that the words of the past often haunt you, but He doesn’t give your past any power because once we accept Jesus Christ into our hearts and lives; our past is as far as the east is to the west.  (Gone forever)

HE is the designer of YOU and YOUR potential.

You are beautiful

You Are Beautiful

Photo Credit:

P. J. Di Benedetto

Text added by Angie Webb

Don’t doubt your worth.

Trust God knew best when He created you.

Love yourself and always want the best.

Don’t settle for less than the best.

YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL

Lord, I ask that you touch the reader today and help them to know their value in Your eyes. Help us to remember that You designed us perfectly beautiful. We are not mistakes nor are we the past we often tend to carry around behind us. We are set free to live our lives following in the call that You instilled in our hearts from the moment we were created. No person is lost in Your eyes. Each one hold value that is unmeasurable by the worlds standards; but we need to remember that our lives are to be lived by Your standard. Value. Purpose. Beautiful. Free. Happy. Making a difference.

Remember folks, WE WIN. The end of the story is already written and the enemy will not succeed in winning this battle. Stand strong and take the time to look in the mirror today to remind yourself: YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL.

Praying for each of you today.

HUGS and LOVE

Trusting in Him,

Angie

Linking with Woman to Woman

My Daily Walk In His Grace

Simply Beth

LET GO

scrabble free

” YOUR FINGERS MIGHT BE CRAMPED FROM DRAGGING YOUR PAST WITH YOU, BUT LOOSEN YOUR GRIP AND GIVE YOUR BAGGAGE, ONCE AND FOR ALL, TO THE ONE WHO KNOWS YOU AND CHERISHES YOU. ” source unknown

Over this last 10 months, my life has been a journey of many new beginnings as well as endings in some areas.

I am not one who likes change… (Control Freak)

Yet, God has allowed me to walk into new in so many areas of my life, that a year ago I would not even have ventured out of my comfort zone to set out to accomplish.

I have always enjoyed writing and wrote a printed newsletter for about 4 years that I mailed out to friends, family and other ministries, yet about 2 years ago, I stepped out and began blogging about my journey with fear, anxiety and agoraphobia.(older blog is at joyfuljourneynewsletter.blogspot.com)

I then slowly ventured out and took small, baby steps as well, in telling my story of growing up in a abusive, fear based, controlled, neglected home as a child. None of this process has been easy at all because when I hit PUBLISH, it is all laid out bare for others to see and read for themsleves. I am not in their mind to see how they perceive my words or what they think of me after they read my words, yet I have decided I must give up worrying about what others think of me and tell MY STORY and allow others to tell their stories.
( I will have a guest blogger in a few weeks that will share her story)

We all fall short of the glory of God (Romans 3:23) and I know that as a child of very intimidating, controlling, angry parents, I have a tendency to struggle with people pleasing. Thankfully, much of that problem has been alievated by God’s help and His strength, but at times, I still wish EVERYONE liked me and EVERYONE wanted to be my friend. But that just isn’t reality. I may not be everyone’s cup of tea and I am okay with that now. Before it would have drove me absolutely crazy trying to figure out how to be like so and so or write like so and so..

All I can be is ME: ANGIE WEBB, a child of God first and foremost. A wife, a mom, a grandmother.

I can’t base my worth on what others think or feel about me. My worth does not depend on anyone but Jesus Christ and He says I am valuable, beautiful and worthy because He died on the cross so that I may have an abundant life, full of God’s blessings.

Over this last 10 months I have stepped out of my comfort zone by doing the following:

1. Went on our first family vacation in about 8 or more years due to my anxiety. We traveled about 12 hours away and had an awesome time seeing family; most important was my 96 year old grandmother, Johnnie.

2. I began a new job after leaving my job of 7 years. I first began subsitute teaching, which I didn’t think I would like because of going to a new building to teach, which often would cause me some anxiety. But I have really enjoyed this time of learning and growing.

3. I began and cordinated an online group for others that struggle with anxiety, agoraphobia or fear. We meet online through a FB group. If you are interested in joining, let me know.

4. I have begun driving more and more alone, even in areas that I am uncomfortable driving.

5. I have recently received a new job working in a clothing store and have had another job interview that would require me to work for Hallmark as a merchandiser two times a month. This would not interefere with my permanent job, but would be a great opportunity for this greeting card addict.

6. I have recently began teaching myself to acrylic paint. My grandmother that was murdered in 1996 was an awesome oil painter, but I never learned any techniques etc from her, so most of what I have done has been self taught. I am not that great yet, but I keep plugging along and trying to improve.

7. I have had the opportunity to meet some great authors/artists/bloggers through my writing and through Facebook. Many of these relationships have turned into some great friendships outside of Facebook. ( some here)

Check out:
http://www.onlyabreath.com
http://www.danaarcuri.com
http://www.make1break1.blogspot.com
These are a few of my friends blogs/websites.

8. I am currently working on my memoir, “When Your Home Becomes Your Prison: Out of Fear, Anxiety and Agoraphobia.”

I am not mentioning any of the above to pat myself on the back or to draw attention to myself in any form or fashion. The reason I mention those items is to allow you to see that God can bring new into our lives if we LET THE PAST GO..

Easy to say; I know.. I have been there. I have been in a place where I physically and mentally did not think I could go one more day of carrying the pain and hurt of my past anymore.. Yet, once again I would get up in the morning and reach down to pick all of the junk up again. At night, I would try to lay it down so I could sleep, yet most often, I would lay awake trying to figure out why I was such a failure and why everyone else seemed to have their lives all together, when mine was such a mess. One day, about 10 months ago, I decided to let it GO…


I can’t change anything that has happened from the day in 1965 when I was born to today, but I can choose to make the second half of my life better than the first half
. I am almost 50 years old and I certainly do not want to give the enemy anymore of my life.. I have so much more to accomplish and so much more love to enjoy…

Today I want to offer you a short statement to think about:

What do you gain in continuing to carry around the baggage of your past?

I believed I was doing the noble thing by carrying all of that junk around. Yet, the noble act came when I laid it down at the foot of the cross. It takes a bigger person to realize that the past is just that: The past.. Nothing can change what has happened, but the future is a blank canvas waiting for God to splash His plan and purpose upon.

Friend, today I hope you can find the courage to let it go. That doesn’t mean we don’t learn any lessons from the past or offer others wisdom we have gained from the journey we have been walking, but it does mean to realize that now is the day to be FREE.

Father, today I want to offer those reading this post the hope that the past can be left behind us. We only have to reach out to you and connect our hearts with you. You, Lord will carry the pain and junk from the past. We no longer have to carry that baggage with us. You have a bright future for us that only can be accomplished when we LET GO… Today, we are asking you to give us the strength and courage to move forward with YOU and to allow YOU to paint on the canvas of our lives in the way you so desire. We are open to new beginnings and new endings as well. Today is the day for a bright, new future.

Audience of ONE

The Lord leads us all differently even though we all are connected by the Holy Spirit. God doesn’t speak to each of us the same way because we are all different because of our life experiences, our family of origin as well as our outlook on life. I believe that as christians we have to ask the Lord and the Holy Spirit to speak to our hearts individually and not look to others to guide us on “their” walk when we should be focused on our own walk. Sometimes we check out other blogs and go from blog to blog looking for the “perfect” word for us on that day when in reality we should be seeking the Lord and His word for us through our relationship with Him. God can and does often use other people to lead us to understand a scripture or seeing life differently but that cannot be  the only way that we connect with God. Our walk must be personal and totally our own. We cannot be saved or have a relationship with Jesus Christ by hanging onto the coat tails of someone else. God wants us to be our own person and to follow Him with our own relationship. The word I have for you today is to you seek the face of the Lord on a deeper level, but please do not look to me for the perfect word for you today because I am human and I will fail at some point.. If we look at Judas in the Bible most would say he  wasn’t saved yet he was seen with Jesus in every part of Jesus’ ministry so most others wouldn’t even doubt the loyalty or salvation of Judas, yet he wasn’t following Jesus for the right reasons but for recognition for being a “disciple”. Judas was at one point in the Bible referred to as the devil even though he was part of Jesus’ inner circle. The inner circle can have even those certain ones that really believe that they have it all together and are true followers of the Lord, when sometimes they are the ones trying to lead us astray or cause us to lose our focus or our true calling..
Are you following Jesus for the right reasons or are you following Jesus so others will go to your blog or follow you on Twitter or Facebook?
Let me tell you.. I love others to follow me on Twitter or Facebook or to check out my blog, but my focus is first and foremost on having a relationship with Jesus Christ. I cannot place my focus on having so many followers, comments or tweets… My focus must be on pleasing the AUDIENCE OF ONE.. MY LORD. Take time today and think about your relationship with God and if you are seeking approval from others instead of God… Lord, help us to focus solely on our relationship with you today. Help us to not be Judas and follow you for the wrong reasons or just by the coat tails. Help us to step out into the deep water with you and to abandon our need for approval from people. Help us to remember that your approval is all that we need and we must focus on that first before we can ever make an impact in this world.. I thank you Lord for all you have done in my life