Journey to Freedom

I have been reading a great book called ” The Unburdened Heart” by Suzanne Eller.  The book is well written and offers very good insight on the subject of finding freedom to forgive.


This is a topic that I certainly needed to read at this point in my life. I have not always been a very good forgiver.. LOL.

How about you?

Do you struggle with forgiveness or does this come easily to you?

Suzanne offers some very valuable information throughout the book but one particular word she focused on really stuck with me.

The word is aphiemi which means to:

1. Send away

2. to let it die

3. to exchange for something else

4. to give up a debt

5. to forgive.

Suzanne discusses how when we use this word in relation to forgiveness it means we leave anger to find joy.

This is how I have felt much of the last two years. For most of my life I had held onto such anger and unforgiveness due to the way my biological family had always treated me and my family. I knew from as early as 4 or 5 years old that I was not really wanted. My parents had always made this very clear in the way I was treated but also the words spoken. Of course, this led to years of feeling so unworthy in every way and having no self-confidence. Relationships were damaged because how can you love someone else when you have no idea how to love yourself. You certainly have no capability of allowing another person to truly love you because they don’t know the real “you” like your biological family does. This was the cycle I found myself in for years and year.

I would try to be a good wife, mother and friend but I really had no clue as how to make that happen. I knew that I loved my children and husband, but until I came to accept the fact that God loved me for ME, then I would never be able to love my children or husband properly either. This was the constant battle because I heard from my parents and siblings over and over for 40 years how crazy I was because of the anxiety and panic attacks, but also how big a mistakes I was in general. I didn’t see myself as a mistake but I always believed what was spoken over me and my life. Evil and malicious words were the normal part of those relationships, so that is what I believed.

My relationships struggled because I didn’t see myself as anyone of value. How could anyone else love me when my own parents and siblings didn’t?

This was the inward struggle. Yet, after reading Suzanne’s book I have come to understand that by the neglect and abandonment of my family repeatedly over my lifetime, I had no way of having a clear view or understanding of God and HIS love for me. It distorted everything I did or didn’t do. Nothing was clear because my view of God was unclear. Until that became clear, no other relationships would work nor would I find the freedom to be myself.

The two are connected

and there is no separating them.

Without our view of God being correct, our lives will constantly spin out of control and all of our relationships will suffer.

The past two years I have learned more about myself than I had the previous 44 years.

One thing I have learned is that God loves me, designed me and has a great plan for my life.
Without Him in my life, I am nothing.

I am thankful that my heart is becoming more and more free from un-forgiveness and finding happiness to the fullest.

Isn’t God good?

I am thankful that God did not give up on me even when I gave up on myself.

I would highly recommend this book by Suzanne Eller.

Year in Review

winter tree

A year of beauty but also a year of pain.

That has been my life.

Relationships fail

Pain is inflicted; whether intentional or unintentional

Harm is done that cannot be forgetten

Things will change whether we want them to or not.

But one thing that will never change is the power of God in our lives.

I am finally free.

Free from anxiety, fear and agoraphobia.

God has changed my life in so many ways.









Finally Free

Choose to Believe

Choose to Believe

We all have choices to make each day.

Choices to believe

or not to believe

Choices whether to love or hate

Forgive or hold onto to unforgiveness

Grow or remain stagnant

Live or Die

Believe in God


Deny God

For me, many of these are easier than others. One that will never change will be to BELIEVE IN GOD. I have faced 3 suicides, a murder, abuse, neglect, car wrecks, anxiety, fear, agoraphobia, loss of jobs, friendships, as well as other tragedies, but through it all I have never stopped believing in God. My faith has been shaken but no denying God has stepped in more than once to protect, guide, and love me through it all.

Believe in God

Even when it is hard

Even when you want to give up

Lean into HIM

Praying for you today. Lean into HIM and HIS love for you. It is unconditional and full of peace if you trust HIM and HIS plan. HIS plan will always be best. Life happens but nothing is out of HIS control.


Linking up with:

Simply Beth

My Daily Walk in His Grace

Same but different

How can three siblings be so different yet grew up in the same home?

I wonder.


I know for me being the middle child, life was much different from it was for my other two siblings. One sister was 3 years older and then a baby brother was 11 years younger. I was a good kid who loved to read, ride her bike, play outside and play “office” in her room. I was quiet and shy much of my early years, which meant that my mom called me names from a very early age. “I was a “problem”. I was not ” normal”.  There had to be something “wrong” with me. Why was I so fearful? Why did I cry so much? Couldn’t I be like my sister? ”

From as early as 3 or 4 years old, this was my everyday life. We lived one way at home behind closed doors and another in public. Most of the extended family could see how I was treated but often was fearful of confronting the situation because of the possible distancing of me from them. Most felt that if they kept me close, then at least I could be protected on some level.

Most were wrong.
I was not protected.I was not safe.

I lived in fear each day of once again waking up to the nightmare, yet dreaded sleep even more. Sleep frightened me. Darkness overwhelmed me. Fear was my best friend. At least with fear I knew what to expect. I couldn’t say the same for my parents or siblings.

It is still that way today. I never know from one minute to the next what my “first” family will do today to try to hurt me or harm my 2nd family. The family that I so love is often hurt so deeply by the out reaching tentacles of the “crazy” ones.

Family that I wish loved me, as I love them

wanted me healthy, happy and whole, as I pray  for them

cherished my children, as I do theirs

wished the best for me,  as I do them.

But after reading Elisa Morgan’s newest book, ” The Beauty of Broken” I have come to the realization that we each have adapted to our raising and childhood in different ways. I had to leave that life from the day I turned 18, while the other two have stayed entrenched in that life. If I had not left, I would have lost myself even more. It took me until I was 46 years old to finally try to find ” Angie” and to really seek what God said about me. To block out what has been said about me by my first family. To believe I am worth more. To believe I am loved. Such hard truths to accept. Yet, I am on the road today.

I would have lost me if I had stayed any longer.

I would recommend this powerful book to anyone struggling in their own family. Elisa shares the ups and down of her childhood as well as her life as a mother, wife and the struggles of that family. Powerful reading and you will walk away looking at your relationships in a different light.

Side Note: When my dad passed away 12 years ago, my mother wanted everyone to write something on the pine box casket. My husband wrote, ” Dennis, thank you for giving me your wonderful daughter Angie to love and cherish. She is so special to me. ”

My mom went behind hubby and marked out the writing.


Loving and Changing

mike and angie3Love Changes, yet often stays the same. God calls us to love deeply, but to also to continue to grow. We cannot become stagnant in our lives; whether in marriage, raising our children or being a great employee.

We must step out and seek the best God has for us.

Life is to be lived to the fullest.

After 30 years of marriage, I am still learning more and more about our lives together and about Mike.

But more importantly, I am learning about myself.

From an 18-year-old wife, mom and daughter in law in one fell swoop, to a 48-year-old wife, mom, grandmother and daughter in law…

I have learned that God requires me to seek the best, even in the worst situations. My normal tendency is to look at the negatives instead of the positives, but that is something I was taught as a child. Tendency from genetics and environment to look at the negative.

Yet, God says to believe the best in all situations. Even when we think it is over, He can make it new.

He has done that for me in my relationships in many instances; especially in 2006 when we were on the verge of divorce.

Nothing is impossible with God. Luke 1: 37

I wanted a different marriage and a different life for myself as well as my family, yet often I failed.
Didn’t know any different, yet God has done a tremendous work in my life as well as my marriage.

How about you?

What did you learn from your growing up years that you carried over to your family and marriage?

What goals did you make for yourself in reference to your home life and relationships to have a different outcome?

I believe that God can change any willing person; whether a woman, man or child. God wants our hearts and also wants the best for us.

We will fall short at times, but that doesn’t mean we need to give up.

Keep the goal in your forefront.

Take steps each day to love more deeply, talk more sweetly and to forgive more easily.

Thankful today for the love of a good, Godly man, who has richly blessed me. He has believed in me when I didn’t believe in myself, but more importantly he has loved me when I wasn’t loveable.

Love you, Mike

Believe What You See


I know that there is a quote that goes something like,

” When people show you who they are: believe them..”

I have certainly learned that lesson today as well as many other times in life..

Of course, we want to believe the best about those we are in contact with daily; whether through our jobs, families or friends, but are we really suppose to let our guard down in every situation.

I know I have found myself to be:

too trusting

too needy

too scared

too lost

to stand up for myself, the truth and what I needed out of the relationships I have

but that was the OLD ANGIE..

I will not tolerate dishonesty, untruths, half-truths, kissing up to others so there is not any confrontation… on and on.

Today, we live in a world that is so lost as to what the true body of Christ should look like, act like and demand from others in an effort to better our world; we often just look the other way and don’t stand up for the TRUTH..

Truth always prevails. and that is certainly what I am counting on in my own life and the situations I am facing with those I am in contact with on a daily basis as well as those strained relationships that are in desperate need of restoration, repair and forgiveness as well as new roads to be paved for a better relationship.

As Christians I think we often believe that means we stand by and watch life continue to beat us up..

No, we are called to speak the truth, stand on the truth and demand the truth from others.. God doesn’t want wimpy Christians but He also doesn’t want Christians that look the other way because it is easier than standing up for the truth and for what is right.

I ask you today to think about situations you find yourself in on a daily basis or even a weekly basis..

What do you see in others?

Hard Working

Are we not called to be those things in our own lives, so why would we accept any less from our friends, family and employees or employers?

I am just in a place in my own life that it must change…

I am on a different path than many others but that doesn’t mean I am any better or worse than someone else, but it does mean that I have a right to expect better from those I choose to have in my life.

I will not tolerate:
Drama filled
Evil Words Spoken

Happy Is, Happy Does

happy face

The above is my new motto..

After 47 years, I finally am finding ME: ANGIE
Isn’t that crazy to think that all of my life I have felt like I was missing out on life, yet that is really how I have felt..

I was talking to my uncle a few days ago to see if he had received the family pictures I had mailed him.. He was so shocked to see them because he has not seen me in person for almost 9 months. In that nine months I have changed so much with God’s help..

I know that God has slowly been redeeming my life;

healing the past
moving forward
accepting myself
believing I am worthy
loving my life; changes and all

When I talked on the phone to my uncle, he said that he could not believe the changes in my face, my smile and the way my eyes sparkle..

I guess I have looked at myself in the mirror for so long, I don’t notice the changes like others do..

I believe that God has called me to step out of the past and move forward, yet often that can cause others to think that you are leaving them behind. My life is on a different level than it was even 9 months ago, yet often that moving forward means we have to make decisions in relationships that are difficult, set new goals and require more of others as well as ourselves.

I am not willing to go backwards..

My new mantra is HAPPY IS, HAPPY DOES

Happiness: I am not accustomed to this.. It is strange to be happy..

Isn’t that sad to say??

Growing up, I had times of happiness and times of extreme saddness. UP and DOWN. You never knew what you were going to feel from one day to the next because of the extreme mood swings from my parents.

Happy times but many difficult times as well.

As a child I so desperately wanted a “NORMAL” life like my other friends seemed to have or that my cousins had at their homes. Yet, most often than not, there was no fairy tale at my home.

Material possessions do not equate love..

Today, I am living a life that I never dreamed of having as a child that was full of fear, anxiety and later as an adult agoraphobic..

Today, I want to offer you the freedom to be happy..

It is okay to be happy.

I give you permission to be happy but more importantly, God gives you permission and sent His son to die on the cross for us to have an abundant life John 10:10 (b)..

Don’t allow the enemy to keep you stuck in your past, live with regrets or to lose sight of who God has called you to be.

Mother’s Day

On this Mother’s Day, I am thinking about my grandma, Neenie. She has been gone from this earthly world for 17 years and each day that goes by it seems as though I am losing more and more of the memories I had with her as well as her voice. I so wish today more than any other day, that I could just hear her speak to me one more time.


Loss is not easy but in my life, loss has been such a normal exsistence that often I don’t think I would know what normal is if I had it in my own life.

I have never had a mother figure in my life other than Neenie that truly loved me unconditionally and totally for the person I was. My parents were not that for me and definetly not that for my children, so basically everyone looked to Neenie for the love we so desperately wanted. It saddens me to think that there are so many women in this world today that feel exactly like I do today.

I wish that my mother and father had loved me unconditionally and for the person I was made to be from God, but that has never been part of my story.

I believe that is why I have wanted to have good relationships with my own children, and have struggled with that as well. This will be the second Mother’s Day that I have not seen our oldest son or even received a Mother’s Day card.

This breaks my heart because when you are 18 years old and become a mother all the while facing all of the obstacles that come with that, I truly believe that I deserve a small amount of respect and love from my son even for that small gesture. Yet, it doesn’t seem like that will ever be a part of my story again. In reality, I have not had a relationship with him since 2009 when he began his new life… We have been the outsiders looking in from day one and no matter how much we have tried to be a part of his life and the lives of our grandchildrens, we have never been allowed to have the same access as others in their lives.. In 2009 my husband and I both had a talk with him and told him that we had to be ALL IN OR ALL OUT and not be treated like step-grandparents. Well, here it is 4 years later and nothing has changed. We still have been excluded from most everything of importance; memories we cannot get back….

As of today, I truly believe that my son knows the truth and knows our heart as well as the heart of his brother. I can’t change what has happened, but yet I also know that nothing will change because we have had it happen over and over again. HURT RUNS DEEP… LOSS OF MANY JOYOUS TIMES BECAUSE THERE IS ONLY CERTAIN ONES THAT GET TO BE INVOLVED. THIS IS NOT JEALOUSY…IT IS RIGHT AND WRONG..

I love my son and my grandchildren, even my only biological grandchild that doesn’t even know her grandparents(Mike and I) at the age of 17 months old. SAD for her as well as us.. We are awesome grandparents who would do anything for them and have loved our oldest grandson like he was our own from day one…. Never a thought of any other way to be… We love from our hearts and will always love them..

But we are not going to be stepped on or walked on any longer. We have feelings.. We cannot get back baby showers that we weren’t invited to. We cannot get back memories from wedding planning we weren’t asked to be a part of ( no family issues until HER dad tried to take the one thing we had been asked to do from us).. We can’t get back being able to be a part of the first doctor appointment for our only biological grandchild. We can’t get back our youngest son’s college graduation and birthday being ignored by all his other family. We can’t get back the fact that we weren’t invited to hubby’s mother’s surprise birthday party.. We can’t get back that we have missed all of our oldest grandsons school programs except one when he was 3 or 4… We can’t get back that we don’t get school pictures, family pictures or even a baby announcemnt of our granddaughter…

We can’t get back the law enforcement connections that hubby lost trying to help said DIL…

Hubby can’t get back connections he lost when son quit job he had helped get him with no notice to employer..

We will never get past the feelings of rejection and being used..

We can’t get back the times we have spent helping them and then being told we need to be put in our place..

We can’t get back the time we were all invited to their home and then hubby and I were jumped on all the while her parents were sitting there being told nothing..

Won’t do that again.

We have had the same conversation with them over and over.. Nothing changes other than we once again step back in so we can see our grandkids and son, then to only be hurt again… NOPE.. NADA… NOT DOING..

family at christmas

This is a picture of the last Christmas we saw our son and grandsons. This was the year before our granddaughter was born. Don’t we look happy. I was so happy to be there with them, even though I was horribly anxious.

This was a tough place for me to be in because of my anxiety and agoraphobia, yet I did it for my grandsons and son… I wanted to make memories with them, yet nothing we do will ever be enough.

I will always miss my oldest son, but I have chosen to make my life better and positive… One day the past will have to be addressed and responsibility will have to be taken… I know that hubby and I have apoligized so many times and yet we once again get treated the same way… We step back.. Drop out.. Stay disconnected so there are no issues, yet it never seems to be enough.. We are still to blame…

Truth: According to
An undisputable fact,
the quality of being true, genuine, actual, or factual
a proven or verified principle or statement

The truth always proves true…

Today; This Mother’s Day, I will spend with Chance and Mike.. We will have a great day together.. Good food and good company..

I love you Wade, Corbin, Brysin and Adisin(even though I don’t know you) and wish you all the love in the world. Nothing but the best for you all. We pray for you all each day and miss you terribly. God knows our hearts and always has…

To all the mother’s that have lost connection with your children; I pray for you today. The heartache runs deep and the pain never ends. This is a child that God chose to give to you and yet now the world seems to be totally against the relationship ever working. I don’t know what issues you may be facing in your own relationship strain, but I do know that God ultimately has all the power when we ask HIM and pray for HIS guidance. God does not ask us to be beaten, abused, hurt, treated unkindly so we can have this said relationship. God wants the best for HIS children and sometimes that means having boundaries.

As parents, especially mother’s, we often take the weight of the world on our shoulders.. God wants us to give HIM our concerns..

You will keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on You, because He trusts in You.. Isaiah 26:3

Have a Happy Mother’s Day… God Bless You.

Love Runs Deep

mike and angie3

See this man? He has been my heart for 30 years. It is unreal to me that Mike and I have been together for 31 years and married 30 years
It still amazes me that a 16 year old boy and an 18 year old girl could make a life together. I knew that we loved each other, but boy this world can make life more difficult than we can ever imagine.

We have faced many challenges as teenage parents, trying to raise our sons totally from any dependence on our parents. We both finished high school, worked full time and at the age of 18 and 20 years old, we bought our first home. (Mobile Home), but still it was ours.

High school for a this 18 year old girl in 1983 was not a fun experience. It was challenging and heartbreaking most of the time. Other students were not kind or helpful in any way and most often, caused me many tears due to their continuing malicious and relentless attacks on me and my self esteem.

By the end of the first sememster, I had given up on trying to finish school because I had reached the point where I did not care anymore. I had always been a good, honest, faithful student, but this experience just made me emotionally drained, hurt and lost. Thankfully, I had a wonderful school nurse that stepped in and sought another solution out for me. In Spring of 1984, I began attending a school for pregnant girls; most sent to our town from other states so that they could give up their babies for adoption. I was not in that perdiciment, so it was a challenge daily. Yet, one advantage of this alternative school was that I had to only attend 3 days a week til noon. Attending the alternative school allowed my eyes to be opened to many areas that I had never knew exsisted before such as:

Girls that were from other ethnic groups(I was the only Caucasian)
Girls that had no support in their situation
Girls that the boy was not a part of the babies lives or their lives
Girls that had no clue of how to take care of a baby; some thought putting Coke in a bottle was a correct way to feed a baby.
Girls that had no money for ANYTHING; not even a candy bar
Girls that lived in horrible situations at home: I thought mine was bad at home with my parents but it was nothing like what they lived day in and day out.
Girls that would not even speak to me because I was White and “uppity”
Girls that thought I was rich because my husband had a car and I always had some money for lunch.
Girls that basically hated me because my guy stuck around and we were married.

Such a learning experience for me but also I hope it was a learning experience for the girls I encountered at this school: NEW DIRECTIONS in LUBBOCK TEXAS

I knew the Lord at this point in my life, yet I was a very young believer so I know that I failed on many levels. I pray though, that the girls knew that I did not believe I was any better or worse than them. We all were in the same basic situation, yet God had allowed my path to go a different direction from many of theirs at this point. By the GRACE OF GOD.

I truly believe that God sent Mike to me to save me from the life I was living. He had no idea the impact he would make on my life even at the age of 17 years old when we met. He could instantly see the damage and abuse my parents were inflicting day after day on me. He never wavered. He never backed down and always stood up to protect me. My dad was not accustomed to someone questioning him or his “discipline” so of course, this did not start their relationship off on a very good foot, but regardless my dad knew Mike would not back down. Mike and my dad eventually could be cordial and have some sense of a relationship. Mike had/nor has ever been malicious or mean in any form or fashion to my parents, yet that does not mean he would sit by and watch them recklessly inflict pain on our family. Boundaries

Most 15 year old boys would have been intimidated by my parents; but God knew that Mike would be the one that would stand the test of time and bring so much healing to my heart, soul and mind. He has always believed the best in me when I didn’t even see one ounce of worth.Mike has stood along side of me through many ups and downs. Loss of multiple family members to suicides as well as the murder of my grandmother. We have stood the normal growing pains of financial struggles, loss of jobs, raising kids, relationship struggles, as well other areas such as my fears, anxiety and eventual agoraphobia. Yet, Mike never wavered. Never sought a way out. Never believed the grass was greener somewhere else. NO..

He has stood beside me holding my hand as I have struggled to figure out my past and move into the future.

Our love runs deep and will continue to stand the test of time. God brought us together and He will continue to allow our lives to be blessed by being together. Mike is my best friend and greatest cheerleader; as I am his. We would not have made it this far without a BIG GOD with a BIG PLAN..

Boy, we proved our parents wrong…. 30 years is a long time for two young teenagers.. Hmmmm.. How is that for a story?


Life Stopped

chains are broken

Growing up in an abusive, neglectful home, life became a roller coaster ride of trying to stay in the corner, hidden from everyone, all the while struggling to find a voice to tell someone that would listen how anxious, fearful and alone I felt even from the earliest age of 4 or 5 years old.

Being a quiet child helped and hindered me in many ways. Hiding became my nature from as early as I can remember as a child until adulthood. I did not believe that I was valuable, loveable, worthy or accepted because how could I be those things to someone else if I wasn’t any of them to my parents or siblings. Hiding not just physically but also socially emotionally and mentally grew and grew over time. All the while, my anxiety, fear and eventually being afraid to drive grew into an almost unbearable state of life. Thoughts of suicide prevailed and permeated my thoughts more and more through the years. The lack of love, support and encouragement from my parents and siblings eventually grew into another form of abuse because of the damaging words that were spoken about me to others as well as to me and my now family of 4. My parents continually called me “not well” and chose to speak badly of me to others within my own extended family. Life continued to spiral out of control and the loss of security, confidence and acceptance of me only worsened. I felt like I could not trust anyone; even myself. How could I trust myself when everyone believed I was “crazy” because of my anxiety and panic attacks? I must be just as crazy as they said; but then how was I able to be married for over 20 years, have two children, hold down a job and be an active member in my community? The two did not seem to line up in my own mind, but for some reason I continued to believe my parents and siblings: I MUST BE CRAZY BECAUSE I AM ANXIOUS AND FEARFUL..

The breaking point came for me after the loss of my grandmother to murder by the hands of my grandfather who then took his own life.
This was a game changer. I gave up on being happy. I gave up on living a life without anxiety, fear or now, agoraphobia. The agoraphobia became so unbearable that I could not even leave my home for a period of time. I tried to believe that I was safe, secure and that everything would be fine, but the fear and anxiety would overwhelm me and my thoughts, which would then lead me to just give up. I lost so much during this time. I lost peace, purpose, love, hope, joy, traveling, making memories with my family… On and on. The agoraphobia led me to eventually not travel away from my home town for over 12 years. This is such a sad statement. I and my family lost so much during this time frame in our lives. Not just due to the suicides/murder but also the tragic consequences of those losses in our own hearts, minds and souls. Suicide and murder changes families. It definitely is a tragedy that will forever be a part of our story, but through the journey that God has called me to walk, I am learning that the story does not have to stay a part of my present.
The anxiety, fear and agoraphobia led me to walk a path that limited me on many aspects of life. Through my journey out of fear, anxiety and agoraphobia, I am pushing myself to walk with God all the while learning to trust myself and that He will walk beside me even in the darkest, loneliest times.

Last year, after much prayer, preparedness and encouragement from many friends, my children and my husband, I sought a plan to make a trip to go visit my only living grandmother who is 95 years old. I also wanted to visit uncles, cousins and extended family that I had not seen in about 10 years. I did not have a clue as how I would make this 10 or 11 hour trip, but I knew it was something that I really felt the need to do for myself but also for those I loved. I wanted to make some memories, see family and have time away from our hometown.

We set out on our trip August 22nd 2012. We were gone for 5 days and had such a tremendous time visiting with family, shopping, going out to eat, and seeing parts of the state of Texas that we had never visited before. God was certainly with me during this trip. I cannot lie; I was anxious and nervous at times but I did not have a panic attack at all during the trip. I truly believe that God was with me through the process. I was able to enjoy the time with our youngest son, make some memories and see those I love..

God has a purpose for our journeys and for our brokenness. Without my struggles, loss and abusive childhood, I don’t believe that I would be the person I am today. Oh, I wish that I had never gone through any of those horrible things and I certainly wish I did not struggle at times with anxiety, but I am so, so thankful for the place I currently am in my life today. FREEDOM IS POSSIBLE..

Angie Webb lives in Texas with her husband of almost 30 years. Angie and Mike have been married since they were in high school. They have two grown sons and three grandchildren Angie loves to write on her blog at http;// Angie also writes a monthly column for Heartbeat The Magazine at called Angie’s Insights. Angie also has a Facebook author page at: Joyful Journey by Angie Webb. Angie also has a twitter you connect with at Angiewebb65.