Restoration

Continuing To Change

Life is Good…

I really never thought I would say that..

Sad, I know.

I have never been unhappy as such but I could never really say ” Life is Good”, yet that seems to be the place God has me in at this point in my life.

Growing up as a child, I had some really great times as a kid such as when my sister and I traveled on a plane to Virginia alone to see our distant family. Or the time my parents surprised us with a trip to Disneyworld, but then there were also many hard times growing up. Times full of fear, abuse, neglect, controlling parents, loneliness, as well as family dysfunction.

Life was just “life” back then and I really had no idea that there was any other type of life or family around other than my own. I lived in a way that I was not aware that there were issues in my own family or in my own life. I knew no different so my life was normal to me.

When I met my husband and we began dating, he noticed the problems right off the bat. He could see the dysfunction and the abuse very early on and went into protection mode at the young age of 16 years old. He was very protective of me when it came to the antics of my family towards me or children later on. I was so familiar with the dysfunction, the abuse, the control, it was very hard for me to separate myself from them or that life, yet I knew that I must for the sake of myself and our children.

Oh, it is hard to change when you have a pattern so deeply entrenched in your mind and heart.

I tried to separate myself, only to be drug back in on some level. The abuse continued whether through written letters, emails or texts or even physical threats to myself from my father or brother. I could not find the will to stop the cycle, yet I knew it was changing myself and my family for the worse.

On and on it went.

Well, after much abuse from physical assaults from my brother, sister-in-law as well as my father, as well as continued emails, written letters, phone calls, threats and on and on, I had enough.

Last year I really began the process of separating myself from the drama and the abuse of this very dysfunctional family.

Yes, they are my biological family but that does not mean I cannot change who I am and become the person God designed me to be from the moment I was just a twinkle in HIS eye.

That is where I am at today.

Continuing to Change

Fear has been overcome Anxiety is gone Agoraphobia is gone The past is in the past The future is on the horizon and looking so great.

I hope you will be encouraged today that no matter what type of family you grew up or the pathology of that family, YOU have a choice to make your life better.

Believe in Yourself even when no one else does. Change for Yourself even when no one thinks you can. Forgive for Yourself even when it seems impossible. Move Forward for Yourself even when it takes baby steps.

I know that I never felt like my life would ever be possible without fear and anxiety being my best friends, but I can say today that I have never felt more free in my whole life. (47 years) God is no respecter of persons, so if HE did it for me, then He can do it for you as well.

YAY..

I WIN..

Walls

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To some, this next sentence will not make any sense but then there are those that will totally understand.

Walls are a way to protect myself from being hurt but also erected in an effort to protect you from me…

As a child and then later as an adult, I never fully trusted anyone but I most certainly did not trust myself.

How could I trust an individual that has been told all of her life that she was screwed up, messed up, nothing, worthless and pretty much not worth any type of love or acceptance?

That is the situation I found myself in from a very early age.. Not trusting anyone else other than a few certain adults that always provided unconditional love. Other than that; TRUST was a no-no.. I certainly didn’t trust others but I didn’t trust myself either.

Such began a life of trying to control the situations I found myself in and around, which then led to more and more anxiety because the world and life cannot be controlled. No matter how hard I tried; it just didn’t happen. I would try to be a good, little girl and I thought I was but then the one day that I wasn’t walking on eggshells around my family, that was the day once again I was told that I was just a waste and a nothing. So then began the walking on eggshells again in an effort of trying to please.. It would go along fine for a bit and then wham… Failure again. The straight A student just couldn’t do enough to please my parents… I would try and try but it just never happened.

More and more anxiety, fear and agoraphobia developed. I can sense now that even as early as 9 or 10 years old I suffered with some agoraphobia, yet it like all the other problems I carried around went undiagnosed and untreated.

Trust was not an option for me with anyone; especially myself.

This is when the problem began because if I was such a failure at life in general how was I going to be a good wife, mom and employee….

I always felt like I had to have someone to fall back on in situations that I felt unsure about or anxious about because this was certainly an area that I knew I was not prepared to handle.

Yet, over the last year; after 47 years of life…. I have decided that God has not called a weak, unstable, fearful, anxious woman to tell my story. He has called a powerful, forgiven, loved, confident woman that has a powerful story of healing to tell others.

If I hide what God has done for me and in my own life; then my story is wasted..

God deserves so much praise for all He has done in my life in the last 11 months. A year ago tomorrow was the night that God really began doing a major work on my life and in the area of healing me from anxiety, panic attacks and agoraphobia.

To be continued:
I will be speaking tonight at a conference called Beautiful Women in Levelland Texas. It will be a powerful service and this is God’s plan for me at this time. The doors have opened so I will now go through them.

Freedom is Possible

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FREEDOM IS POSSIBLE

I am thankful that I never gave up on finding and receiving God's freedom. But more importantly, I am thankful that God never gave up on me.

It is hard to describe to someone else that has never lived with fear, anxiety or agoraphobia, but the best way to try to describe it is that you live in a bubble trying to control the world and not allowing yourself to feel anything that might cause you to become anxious or fearful. Living in the bubble gives you some type of protection, yet in reality, the bubble is only hindering you from living and enjoying life. That is what I have done for over 15 years due to many tragedies in my own life, but for 47 years I have carried around my fear, anxiety like it was my best friend. In reality, it has been my worst enemy. It kept me from living my life…

I never really noticed the pain and anguish my face held. I look back at older pictures of myself even from less than a year ago, and I do not even look like the same person. I see a place of freedom and peace in my eyes and face when I look at pictures today compared to a year ago even. It is amazing how finding some resolution in my heart over the past and dealing with family related issues about the past abuse has also freed me up to move forward.

I wish things with my family could be different but I truly believe that if I allow the same behaviors and abuse to be condoned in my own life by them, then the same treatment will continue. The past cannot be changed or undone, but in my own heart I have to expect better from those that say they love me. Words are not enough. Words are only that: WORDS.

If you say you love me, then you will not abuse me either physically or emotionally. Yet, my mother and siblings say that they love me, yet the treatment of me continues to be just as it has been for 47 years. I cannot and will not accept that any longer in my life. Now the ball is in their courts to do the work to improve their own lives as well as do the work to improve relationships. I have worked on myself for over 4 years in counseling and therapy of one form or another. Through this process I have learned that I am valuable, powerful, purposeful, and thankful to be alive.

It has been a long road of healing and I am sure the process is not complete because there is so much more that needs to be faced and dealt with, but I am thankful that I can now look in the mirror and feel acceptance of myself about 90% of the time, where previously I felt much anquish and hatred toward myself and my struggle with the past, fear and anxiety.

I am thankful that FREEDOM is possible and I am on the path to finding that for myself. I am excited to see where God continues to call me to walk and the doors that continue to open for me. This path is just beginning..

Today, I pray for you to find freedom as well. Leave the past in the past. Don't continue to carry around the baggage of the past because God wants you to let Him carry that for you. It is not yours any longer. Let it go. Move forward. Accept yourself. Forgive. Move on the path God called you to walk. Remember your dreams and reach for them today.

LESSONS I HAVE LEARNED ABOUT MY ONE WORD

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Today, I am linking up with Only A Breath with Melanie at http://www.onlyabreath.com/ about the lessons we have learned from our one word for 2013.

My word is RESTORE…

When God revealed to me this word at the end of December, I was not sure what it meant, but through the last few months, GOD has revealed more and more layers to this word.

Lessons I have learned:

1. RESTORE doesn’t necessarily mean RESTORE the way I originally thought, but GOD has a better plan than I can ever imagine.

2. RESTORE comes in different forms but for me, I have learned that God is slowly restoring me to my original purpose and His original plan for my life.

3. I began this year believing for restoration for the relationship with our son, but slowly and surely I have resigned myself to the fact that this may not happen this year, but God knows the right time for this to happen.

4. RESTORE OR RESTORATION came into my own heart in a small way in February through a clearing of the air about a past conflict. Even though nothing was resolved or repaired, the process allowed me much freedom and closure to the past pain.

5. RESTORE does not have to be perfect, clear or on my timetable. RESTORE can happen in the small places in my life.

6. RESTORE for me has been a place of restoring to a sound mind, health and heart for my own well being. Carrying around the pain of the past loss, abuse and family dysfunction has been a weight that God has not asked me to carry.

7. RESTORE has been a finding of myself on this journey. I grew up with a very talented grandmother, who loved to paint, crafts and be a life long learner. I have never really searched for my crafty side but this year, I have opened myself up to learning new talents such as acrylic painting, woodworking and greeting card design. I have been surprised at how much natural talent I apparently have had all of this time. I am loving the process of learning new crafts and art mediums.

8. RESTORE has taught me this year needs to be about ME.. For 47 years I have lived a life full of painful rejection, abuse, anxiety, fear and agoraphobia. During all of the pain from the past, I have lost myself. I have learned that this year must be about finding myself, having healthy relationships and making memories with those in my life. The first 47 years of my life were controlled by anxiety, far and agoraphobia. I want the next 47 years to be lived for God and to be happy with my life, all of the while moving forward on the next path God has planned for me.

9. RESTORE: ANGIE TO HER FULL PURPOSE AND ORIGINAL DESIGN.

10. RESTORE…. What else will I learn over the next 9 months?

I pray that God will reveal to me the continued path I am called to walk and the doors I need to walk through. Restoration is a continued process..

Shhh… It Is A Secret !!!

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Secrets are damaging.

I know this from experience.

Growing up in an abusive, neglectful, angry home with very domineering parents, secrets were a normal part of my life.

I still struggle at the age of 47 years old of really knowing the truth about many things that happened in my life.

When you live in fear everyday of your childhood and young adult life, normal is a relative term. Normal is what you live everyday. Keeping secrets about what happens in your home is what you are taught and what you “better do” if you know what is good for you.. This was my life.

Outside of the home, everyone thought my parents were the greatest. Perfect parents. Perfect home. Perfect children.. Oh, yeah.. Not so perfect Angie somehow made it into this “perfect” family.. How did that happen? I asked myself that question almost everyday for 46 years.. Was I really as bad as they said? What was wrong with me to get treated so horribly? Did God make a mistake when He created me? Why did my siblings get treated so differently and why did they not see our home life the way I did and do??

For 46 years I have carried the secrets of my childhood close to my heart. Only a select few have known the heartache of the past. Only a select few have I trusted enough to open my heart up and lay it out for others to see. Yet, at times, those same few I have put my faith and hope in to trust with such intimate details, have later used that information against me. Trust is not easy for a child, teenager, young adult or adult that has suffered abuse, neglect, as well as total rejection for just being themselves. Trust for me is a long road. I don’t lay my heart on the line very often and not easily, so when trust is broken, it is broken for good..

Growing up with secrets of my home life has followed me around for 46 years just waiting for me to open the door and let God take that pain and heal it.

Well, over the last 2 years I have worked very hard to heal from the pain of rejection, abuse, neglect, control, hate and just about anything else you could come up with… My parents and siblings have called me every kind of name in the book all of my life. I have lived under a dark cloud of believing that I was NOTHING;… NADA.. POO… Yet, God opened my eyes just recently to the power of darkness in my families minds, hearts and definetely their souls.

After I met with my only living parent a few weeks ago, I could feel the evilness when she walked into the counselors office. From the first words that came out of her mouth, the counselor could sense it as well. Sad for her but also offered me the final connection to my family to be severed totally. Nothing nice came out of her mouth about me and basically she said what she has said about me for 46 years in an hour long session.

I have lived my life beating myself up, wondering what was wrong with me. Yet, God revealed that nothing was or is wrong with me.. I am just as He created. I know that I have lost myself in this journey many times but thankfully, my eyes have opened and reality has set in. Only God can restore, repair and rejuvinate my relationships with my biological family.

I cannot change their opinion of me or stop their evil ways or words. Yet, God can and will hold them accountable for every evil word spoken and every evil deed done. I may or may not see in my lifetime any of this happen, but whether I do or not, I am FREE from the past and all of the power it has had in my life.

I am still walking a journey on many other levels through the anxiety, agoraphobia and fear, as well as losses of family to suicide and murder but I know that God is walking with me on the rest of the journey. It has not always been a Joyful Journey but I know the end will definetly be better than the beginning.

God calls out the hidden into the light according to 1 Corinthians 4:5. I am waiting for the hidden to be revealed. God knows what is best and He knows what is best for me.. I am staying hidden under the shadow of His wings. He covers me with His protection if I will be faithful and stay where I am called to stay.

I pray for you today that whatever secrets have kept you bound, that they will fall away with God and His power. Stay under the shadow of God’s protection and He will guide you to the place you are called to be. Let the rejection,fear, anger, hate or discouragment fall away. Look to God for your acceptace. THe world may not accept you, but God loves you and sent His son to die on the cross for you.. YOU ARE WORTH MORE THAN THE SPARROWS. HE LOVES YOU MORE THAN YOU CAN EVER THINK OR IMAGINE.

IN THIS LIFE….I WIN AND SO DO YOU IF YOU BELIEVE ON THE SAVING POWER OF JESUS CHRIST. STAY STRONG…

God’s Instruction

“It is vain for man to endeavor to instruct man in those things which the Holy Spriit alone can teach.” Madame Guyon

In reading this quote, it really struck a nerve with me because this is an area that I struggle with. I want to be another person’s guide and conscious, when in reality God and the Holy Spirit are the only guides and convicting that any of us need, yet we often continue to push our ways on others, demand our rights, belittle and harm those that do not think or act the way we wish they would/could.

I am definetly guilty of this in my own life and certainly in relationships that I have currently or have had in the past. I think I am “helping” or “guiding” yet the bottom line is that I am judging and wanting each person I have any contact with, to think, feel and basically see life the way I do… But no one is me but ANGIE..

How about you? Are you guilty of this as well? I know is so easy in today’s world to sit back and look at the world through our own eyes, yet we have no idea what God is doing in the background or how HE is working the situation out. This may involve some misguided actions on our parts or the parts of others, yet ultimately it is God who must be the conscious and lead to conviction whatever the problems/demands/disfunction/hurt may be.. In my own life, I wish, cry, pray and try to “FIX” a certain situation that I have been dealing with for the last 3 years in my relationship with our oldest son. I have done all of the “FIXING”, “HOLY SPIRIT..ing” and “DEMANDING” for him to see my “SIDE” of things, yet it has done no good.. NOW, I have had to step back and let the chips fall where they may…

If that requires having no relationship with him or his family for now, then so be it.. I cannot live with the hurt, anger, dysfunction, abuse, hatefulness any longer. I deserve better and will now let the HOLY SPIRIT and GOD do what they feel must be done to correct this situation. IT may not happen in my time or even in this lifetime, but I have finally resigned myself to the fact that God knows what is best.

Of course, as a mother, father and younger brother, it breaks our heart to be treated as such but I know that by allowing the mistreatment to continue, we only are enabling continued bad behavior and basically condoning the treatment which we receive… Yet, I don’t condone the behavior and will no longer be a party to this type of relationship.
NOW.. I am walking away and leaving it in the Hands of GOD… I pray that HE will do what is necessary to correct and heal the relationship, but if not, I still will trust. I will still have faith. I will still believe HE knows best. I will still believe….PERIOD..

Today Lord, I ask that you reach down and touch those hearts that hurting from deep wounds and deep longing for relationships to be restored. I believe that this year will be the year for RESTORE in my life and the lives of others desperately seeking a restoration of relationships, finances, employment as well as physical and emotional healing. Lord, you are worthy of our praise even when we do not feel that our needs are being met in the manner we so desperately wish for. You know best and I ask for you to help us to continue to trust, believe and have faith that you are working all things for our benefit; even the bad. Romans 8:28.. Lord, I specifically ask for you to protect my son today. Be with him and his dangerous job in the oilfield. Please put a hedge of protection around him daily. Lord, keep him safe from harm. Lord, help him to seek YOUR face in the restoration of his family. I know he has so much pain in his heart from the past and losses of loved ones, yet only YOU Lord know how to help him. I have to let you be LORD now and love my son, Wade in a way only you can do. I have done all I know to do and it has not be enough. Lord, help him to know and feel our love even when he doubts it.. Help his eyes to be opened to the dissension others are trying to cause. Lord.. Help us all in this situation.

Dear Angie,

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Dear Angie,

2012 is gone and over with.. The year was full of many ups and downs, yet through it all, God was guiding you into a new place. Angie, you have learned much this year yet there were many things still to learn.

2012 began like any other year, but through a period of trying, you found out who your real friends were. Those you trusted only in the end, left you hurt, discouraged and not trusting once again. Trust is hard for you to hand over very easily, and these women took your heart and broke it in two. You felt like the healing that had begun in your heart, was once again for nothing because the women you trusted with your deepest feelings and pains, only used that to make you look like the enemy and that you were not worthy. Yet, through even this Angie, you looked to me for your worth and value. You did not allow catty words of women, to make you doubt yourself. You learned from this situation and realized that this ministry was not where you were called to be. Thankfully, you are now listening to me instead of the enemies of the world. The world is not very kind and you have had more than your share of of the worlds unkindness. Thankfully, we have moved on from this fiasco and you are now on the path that I have called you to walk.

The year was not kind to you on many levels. The unresolved issue with your son is still very painful, yet let me, God, handle that situation. Don’t try to fix it yourself or go back into a situation where you are continually treated badly. Your son will have to hit the bottom and if that is the reality that must happen, then he will have to turn back to me for help and there will be consequences for the actions he has done. Everyone is accountable for the words spoken, pain inflicted, and hurt caused; even your son but you as well. This relationship does not work the way it has been for the last 10 years and this is just part of the plan right now. This relationship will be repaired and restored, but I cannot give you a time or date. Just be patient and let me work on your son and let me work on you as well, Angie. No one is perfect, yet I do know that you love your son and your grandchildren. The pain of loss of not having them in your life has been hard and placed a deep wound in your soul, yet there is a time and place where all of that will be only a memory.

In May, you had a surprise visit from a family member you had not seen in about 10 years. This surprise was a catalyst for a huge change in your life. This was someone that meant a lot to you years before and through your struggles with fear, anxiety and agorphobia, the loss of family was a reality for you as well, Angie. I am thankful that was a push for you to step out of that fear, anxiety and agorphobia. By the end of May, you had made a plan to make a trip 8 hours away to see the family you had lost touch with. Agoraphobia is not from me, YOUR LORD. You made this trip with your husband and younger son, which was a stretch for you. Yet, you didn’t quit. You didn’t give up and you didn’t let the enemy stop you. You took that step and made the trip, while making memories. Freedom is yours. It may not be easy, but keep moving forward because the world is waiting for you and your message.

Change has been a them for the year, because after being in the workforce for many years, you finally were able to be at home for the year. Your family business has blossomed and grown, all the while giving you the opportunity to use your story to minister to others. You have stretched yourself and written for others on their websites and magazines, and through it all you continue to give me the praise and glory that I deserve as your GOD. I have called you to a new place and a new path. It may not make sense at this time, but even when you are unsure, you are still moving forward. The writing and guest writing is part of my plan, yet now you have new opportunities opening up for you as well. The doors I am opening, I am thankful you are willing to walk through. The situation with a new job will be handled by ME, yet you need to not fret or worry. You are exactly where I have called you to be. Keep moving forward.

The end of the year brought pain and heartache again because of the lack of resolution and restoration with your son and his family, but through it all, you have kept your face smiling and trusting ME. Christmas was a wonderful opportunity to minister to those that had no family and you were willing to open your doors to others less fortunate. I, YOUR GOD, see your heart even when others do not. Do not fret or worry. Remember that I(GOD) am in control and just be available and listen to my still small voice. I am there. I am guiding you.

I am aware of all you have been through in your life and it is not in vain. You are not lost anymore and you are always being held in the palm of MY HAND. Be still and listen. Stay close to ME.. I am walking with you and I am so proud of all that you have done this year to be FREE… It has only just begun. I am proud of you, my child.

LOVE, YOUR HEAVENLY FATHER