RESTORE

Scars Are Beautiful

Scars make us or break us.

Scars can change our outward appearance or change the deep recesses of our inner being, but regardless of the place the scars take place, God can and will provide healing if we reach out to HIM.

Scars have made me who I am today on many levels.

Scars from the pain of my childhood as well the wonderful benefits my childhood held. My childhood was not all bad or damaging, but sometimes the pain overrode the good.

Scars from life…

Scars from tragedies that have followed my family. ( Multiple suicides and the murder of my grandmother)

Scars from anxiety, overwhelming fear and eventual agoraphobia.

Can you relate?

I also have scars on my body from surgeries, accidents and just dumb mistakes that have changed my outward appearance.  Still, I  have to remember  even though I am not perfect physically, God still calls me beautiful. He doesn’t see the scars as negatives, but HE sees them as a positive because He knows those experiences taught me lessons I could not have learned any other way.

 

 

Scars make us into the people we are today; whether we want them to or not. Life can be tough and often we get beat up in the process of learning lessons and fighting the battles we must face.

Battles of everyday life but also the battles to overcome the damage others have inflicted upon us.

Yet, God never leaves us in the state of damage if seek HIM and HIS will for our lives.

We can and will overcome. Nothing is impossible with God.

For with God nothing will be impossible. Luke 1:37

Today, I want to offer you hope. God can use whatever path you have walked in this life; whether easy or tough. He wants to use your story to help someone else facing the same thing in their own life. If you keep quiet, who benefits from the losses you have faced?

The enemy. The old devil. The evil one. Whatever you want to call him. He wins when we keep quiet.

He is so happy when we keep quiet. He sits back and watches us while we continue to be ashamed, discouraged and stuck in our past.

Stand up today and face the past scars, all the while remembering that God can and will use your story.

I will not allow the enemy to steal anymore of my life. I lived a life full of fear, anxiety and agoraphobia for over 30 years. My life has been a small fragment of what I know God intended for it to be, so from this day forward:

MY SCARS ARE FOR GOD’S GLORY.

Lord, I ask for you to reach down today and help those struggling with issues from their past or pain inflicted from someone else. Those scars are so deep into our souls at times we often don’t even know who we are anymore. We only see ourselves through the lens of our scars, yet YOU designed us to live beyond the pain of this life. You want us to live abundant, joyful lives according to your Word. John 10:10 ( I have come that they may have life, and that they may have it more abundantly.) God has promised in HIS Word that HE can do more than we can think or imagine. Nothing is beyond HIS control or repair..  Ephesians 3: 20 (God can do anything, you know – far more than you could ever imagine or guess or request in your wildest dreams! He does it not by pushing us around but by working within us, his Spirit deeply and gently within us.) MSG translation

Life is tough but as God’s children; we are tougher. I want to give you hope today that you can overcome whatever trials, fears, struggles, hurt or pain you are facing. God has done it for me in my own life and I know if HE can do it for me, then HE can do it for you as well.

Sending love and prayers your way today.

 

I WIN and YOU WIN 

 

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Mother’s Day

On this Mother’s Day, I am thinking about my grandma, Neenie. She has been gone from this earthly world for 17 years and each day that goes by it seems as though I am losing more and more of the memories I had with her as well as her voice. I so wish today more than any other day, that I could just hear her speak to me one more time.

NEENIE

Loss is not easy but in my life, loss has been such a normal exsistence that often I don’t think I would know what normal is if I had it in my own life.

I have never had a mother figure in my life other than Neenie that truly loved me unconditionally and totally for the person I was. My parents were not that for me and definetly not that for my children, so basically everyone looked to Neenie for the love we so desperately wanted. It saddens me to think that there are so many women in this world today that feel exactly like I do today.

I wish that my mother and father had loved me unconditionally and for the person I was made to be from God, but that has never been part of my story.

I believe that is why I have wanted to have good relationships with my own children, and have struggled with that as well. This will be the second Mother’s Day that I have not seen our oldest son or even received a Mother’s Day card.

This breaks my heart because when you are 18 years old and become a mother all the while facing all of the obstacles that come with that, I truly believe that I deserve a small amount of respect and love from my son even for that small gesture. Yet, it doesn’t seem like that will ever be a part of my story again. In reality, I have not had a relationship with him since 2009 when he began his new life… We have been the outsiders looking in from day one and no matter how much we have tried to be a part of his life and the lives of our grandchildrens, we have never been allowed to have the same access as others in their lives.. In 2009 my husband and I both had a talk with him and told him that we had to be ALL IN OR ALL OUT and not be treated like step-grandparents. Well, here it is 4 years later and nothing has changed. We still have been excluded from most everything of importance; memories we cannot get back….

As of today, I truly believe that my son knows the truth and knows our heart as well as the heart of his brother. I can’t change what has happened, but yet I also know that nothing will change because we have had it happen over and over again. HURT RUNS DEEP… LOSS OF MANY JOYOUS TIMES BECAUSE THERE IS ONLY CERTAIN ONES THAT GET TO BE INVOLVED. THIS IS NOT JEALOUSY…IT IS RIGHT AND WRONG..

I love my son and my grandchildren, even my only biological grandchild that doesn’t even know her grandparents(Mike and I) at the age of 17 months old. SAD for her as well as us.. We are awesome grandparents who would do anything for them and have loved our oldest grandson like he was our own from day one…. Never a thought of any other way to be… We love from our hearts and will always love them..

But we are not going to be stepped on or walked on any longer. We have feelings.. We cannot get back baby showers that we weren’t invited to. We cannot get back memories from wedding planning we weren’t asked to be a part of ( no family issues until HER dad tried to take the one thing we had been asked to do from us).. We can’t get back being able to be a part of the first doctor appointment for our only biological grandchild. We can’t get back our youngest son’s college graduation and birthday being ignored by all his other family. We can’t get back the fact that we weren’t invited to hubby’s mother’s surprise birthday party.. We can’t get back that we have missed all of our oldest grandsons school programs except one when he was 3 or 4… We can’t get back that we don’t get school pictures, family pictures or even a baby announcemnt of our granddaughter…

We can’t get back the law enforcement connections that hubby lost trying to help said DIL…

Hubby can’t get back connections he lost when son quit job he had helped get him with no notice to employer..

We will never get past the feelings of rejection and being used..

We can’t get back the times we have spent helping them and then being told we need to be put in our place..

We can’t get back the time we were all invited to their home and then hubby and I were jumped on all the while her parents were sitting there being told nothing..

NOPE..
Won’t do that again.

We have had the same conversation with them over and over.. Nothing changes other than we once again step back in so we can see our grandkids and son, then to only be hurt again… NOPE.. NADA… NOT DOING..

family at christmas

This is a picture of the last Christmas we saw our son and grandsons. This was the year before our granddaughter was born. Don’t we look happy. I was so happy to be there with them, even though I was horribly anxious.

This was a tough place for me to be in because of my anxiety and agoraphobia, yet I did it for my grandsons and son… I wanted to make memories with them, yet nothing we do will ever be enough.

I will always miss my oldest son, but I have chosen to make my life better and positive… One day the past will have to be addressed and responsibility will have to be taken… I know that hubby and I have apoligized so many times and yet we once again get treated the same way… We step back.. Drop out.. Stay disconnected so there are no issues, yet it never seems to be enough.. We are still to blame…

Truth: According to Dictionary.com
An undisputable fact,
the quality of being true, genuine, actual, or factual
a proven or verified principle or statement

The truth always proves true…

Today; This Mother’s Day, I will spend with Chance and Mike.. We will have a great day together.. Good food and good company..

I love you Wade, Corbin, Brysin and Adisin(even though I don’t know you) and wish you all the love in the world. Nothing but the best for you all. We pray for you all each day and miss you terribly. God knows our hearts and always has…

To all the mother’s that have lost connection with your children; I pray for you today. The heartache runs deep and the pain never ends. This is a child that God chose to give to you and yet now the world seems to be totally against the relationship ever working. I don’t know what issues you may be facing in your own relationship strain, but I do know that God ultimately has all the power when we ask HIM and pray for HIS guidance. God does not ask us to be beaten, abused, hurt, treated unkindly so we can have this said relationship. God wants the best for HIS children and sometimes that means having boundaries.

As parents, especially mother’s, we often take the weight of the world on our shoulders.. God wants us to give HIM our concerns..

You will keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on You, because He trusts in You.. Isaiah 26:3

Have a Happy Mother’s Day… God Bless You.

Love Runs Deep

mike and angie3

See this man? He has been my heart for 30 years. It is unreal to me that Mike and I have been together for 31 years and married 30 years
It still amazes me that a 16 year old boy and an 18 year old girl could make a life together. I knew that we loved each other, but boy this world can make life more difficult than we can ever imagine.

We have faced many challenges as teenage parents, trying to raise our sons totally from any dependence on our parents. We both finished high school, worked full time and at the age of 18 and 20 years old, we bought our first home. (Mobile Home), but still it was ours.

High school for a this 18 year old girl in 1983 was not a fun experience. It was challenging and heartbreaking most of the time. Other students were not kind or helpful in any way and most often, caused me many tears due to their continuing malicious and relentless attacks on me and my self esteem.

By the end of the first sememster, I had given up on trying to finish school because I had reached the point where I did not care anymore. I had always been a good, honest, faithful student, but this experience just made me emotionally drained, hurt and lost. Thankfully, I had a wonderful school nurse that stepped in and sought another solution out for me. In Spring of 1984, I began attending a school for pregnant girls; most sent to our town from other states so that they could give up their babies for adoption. I was not in that perdiciment, so it was a challenge daily. Yet, one advantage of this alternative school was that I had to only attend 3 days a week til noon. Attending the alternative school allowed my eyes to be opened to many areas that I had never knew exsisted before such as:

Girls that were from other ethnic groups(I was the only Caucasian)
Girls that had no support in their situation
Girls that the boy was not a part of the babies lives or their lives
Girls that had no clue of how to take care of a baby; some thought putting Coke in a bottle was a correct way to feed a baby.
Girls that had no money for ANYTHING; not even a candy bar
Girls that lived in horrible situations at home: I thought mine was bad at home with my parents but it was nothing like what they lived day in and day out.
Girls that would not even speak to me because I was White and “uppity”
Girls that thought I was rich because my husband had a car and I always had some money for lunch.
Girls that basically hated me because my guy stuck around and we were married.

Such a learning experience for me but also I hope it was a learning experience for the girls I encountered at this school: NEW DIRECTIONS in LUBBOCK TEXAS

I knew the Lord at this point in my life, yet I was a very young believer so I know that I failed on many levels. I pray though, that the girls knew that I did not believe I was any better or worse than them. We all were in the same basic situation, yet God had allowed my path to go a different direction from many of theirs at this point. By the GRACE OF GOD.

I truly believe that God sent Mike to me to save me from the life I was living. He had no idea the impact he would make on my life even at the age of 17 years old when we met. He could instantly see the damage and abuse my parents were inflicting day after day on me. He never wavered. He never backed down and always stood up to protect me. My dad was not accustomed to someone questioning him or his “discipline” so of course, this did not start their relationship off on a very good foot, but regardless my dad knew Mike would not back down. Mike and my dad eventually could be cordial and have some sense of a relationship. Mike had/nor has ever been malicious or mean in any form or fashion to my parents, yet that does not mean he would sit by and watch them recklessly inflict pain on our family. Boundaries

Most 15 year old boys would have been intimidated by my parents; but God knew that Mike would be the one that would stand the test of time and bring so much healing to my heart, soul and mind. He has always believed the best in me when I didn’t even see one ounce of worth.Mike has stood along side of me through many ups and downs. Loss of multiple family members to suicides as well as the murder of my grandmother. We have stood the normal growing pains of financial struggles, loss of jobs, raising kids, relationship struggles, as well other areas such as my fears, anxiety and eventual agoraphobia. Yet, Mike never wavered. Never sought a way out. Never believed the grass was greener somewhere else. NO..


He has stood beside me holding my hand as I have struggled to figure out my past and move into the future.

Our love runs deep and will continue to stand the test of time. God brought us together and He will continue to allow our lives to be blessed by being together. Mike is my best friend and greatest cheerleader; as I am his. We would not have made it this far without a BIG GOD with a BIG PLAN..

Boy, we proved our parents wrong…. 30 years is a long time for two young teenagers.. Hmmmm.. How is that for a story?

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Freedom is Possible

free tattoo2

FREEDOM IS POSSIBLE

I am thankful that I never gave up on finding and receiving God's freedom. But more importantly, I am thankful that God never gave up on me.

It is hard to describe to someone else that has never lived with fear, anxiety or agoraphobia, but the best way to try to describe it is that you live in a bubble trying to control the world and not allowing yourself to feel anything that might cause you to become anxious or fearful. Living in the bubble gives you some type of protection, yet in reality, the bubble is only hindering you from living and enjoying life. That is what I have done for over 15 years due to many tragedies in my own life, but for 47 years I have carried around my fear, anxiety like it was my best friend. In reality, it has been my worst enemy. It kept me from living my life…

I never really noticed the pain and anguish my face held. I look back at older pictures of myself even from less than a year ago, and I do not even look like the same person. I see a place of freedom and peace in my eyes and face when I look at pictures today compared to a year ago even. It is amazing how finding some resolution in my heart over the past and dealing with family related issues about the past abuse has also freed me up to move forward.

I wish things with my family could be different but I truly believe that if I allow the same behaviors and abuse to be condoned in my own life by them, then the same treatment will continue. The past cannot be changed or undone, but in my own heart I have to expect better from those that say they love me. Words are not enough. Words are only that: WORDS.

If you say you love me, then you will not abuse me either physically or emotionally. Yet, my mother and siblings say that they love me, yet the treatment of me continues to be just as it has been for 47 years. I cannot and will not accept that any longer in my life. Now the ball is in their courts to do the work to improve their own lives as well as do the work to improve relationships. I have worked on myself for over 4 years in counseling and therapy of one form or another. Through this process I have learned that I am valuable, powerful, purposeful, and thankful to be alive.

It has been a long road of healing and I am sure the process is not complete because there is so much more that needs to be faced and dealt with, but I am thankful that I can now look in the mirror and feel acceptance of myself about 90% of the time, where previously I felt much anquish and hatred toward myself and my struggle with the past, fear and anxiety.

I am thankful that FREEDOM is possible and I am on the path to finding that for myself. I am excited to see where God continues to call me to walk and the doors that continue to open for me. This path is just beginning..

Today, I pray for you to find freedom as well. Leave the past in the past. Don't continue to carry around the baggage of the past because God wants you to let Him carry that for you. It is not yours any longer. Let it go. Move forward. Accept yourself. Forgive. Move on the path God called you to walk. Remember your dreams and reach for them today.

LESSONS I HAVE LEARNED ABOUT MY ONE WORD

word restore

Today, I am linking up with Only A Breath with Melanie at http://www.onlyabreath.com/ about the lessons we have learned from our one word for 2013.

My word is RESTORE…

When God revealed to me this word at the end of December, I was not sure what it meant, but through the last few months, GOD has revealed more and more layers to this word.

Lessons I have learned:

1. RESTORE doesn’t necessarily mean RESTORE the way I originally thought, but GOD has a better plan than I can ever imagine.

2. RESTORE comes in different forms but for me, I have learned that God is slowly restoring me to my original purpose and His original plan for my life.

3. I began this year believing for restoration for the relationship with our son, but slowly and surely I have resigned myself to the fact that this may not happen this year, but God knows the right time for this to happen.

4. RESTORE OR RESTORATION came into my own heart in a small way in February through a clearing of the air about a past conflict. Even though nothing was resolved or repaired, the process allowed me much freedom and closure to the past pain.

5. RESTORE does not have to be perfect, clear or on my timetable. RESTORE can happen in the small places in my life.

6. RESTORE for me has been a place of restoring to a sound mind, health and heart for my own well being. Carrying around the pain of the past loss, abuse and family dysfunction has been a weight that God has not asked me to carry.

7. RESTORE has been a finding of myself on this journey. I grew up with a very talented grandmother, who loved to paint, crafts and be a life long learner. I have never really searched for my crafty side but this year, I have opened myself up to learning new talents such as acrylic painting, woodworking and greeting card design. I have been surprised at how much natural talent I apparently have had all of this time. I am loving the process of learning new crafts and art mediums.

8. RESTORE has taught me this year needs to be about ME.. For 47 years I have lived a life full of painful rejection, abuse, anxiety, fear and agoraphobia. During all of the pain from the past, I have lost myself. I have learned that this year must be about finding myself, having healthy relationships and making memories with those in my life. The first 47 years of my life were controlled by anxiety, far and agoraphobia. I want the next 47 years to be lived for God and to be happy with my life, all of the while moving forward on the next path God has planned for me.

9. RESTORE: ANGIE TO HER FULL PURPOSE AND ORIGINAL DESIGN.

10. RESTORE…. What else will I learn over the next 9 months?

I pray that God will reveal to me the continued path I am called to walk and the doors I need to walk through. Restoration is a continued process..