fear/agoraphobia

Ragged Edges

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Ragged Edges

Pieces of the past

Falling Away

Slowly, one day at a time

Nothing is off limits

God is restoring

God is moving

God is ABLE

For years, I lived a life that just was down right unhappy. Not unhappy because of my husband or children, but unhappy because my life was so limited because of fear, anxiety and agoraphobia. Life became enclosed by the four walls of my house and the dependence I had on others to feel “safe”. My life never felt secure or normal, even though I had a great life with a wonderful husband and children, yet something was always missing.

Today, I can see how the ragged edges of my past have fallen away more and more over the last two years. The last year has been life changing.

The edges are almost all gone.

Life is wonderful. Peace is present. Self acceptance is mine.

Freedom is Sweet.

I am not claiming to have it all figured out, but I do know that if God did this for me

Anything is Possible Matthew 19:26

Lord, I thank you for giving me a life full of possibilities. Nothing is beyond your scope of repair, restore, renew. I am a living testament of your power in the life of a believer. Without You, Lord I would be lost, alone and fear bound but through your saving grace and wonderful healing touch, I am free. I am forever thankful and I will continue to give my testimony as long as I live. My life will never be the same. The walls are no longer keeping me captive. Now the windows and doors are open to FREEDOM and JOY. You have called me to a new place and I am ready for the next step. Move now Lord.

LinkingĀ  up with

Essential Thing Devotions

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Walls

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To some, this next sentence will not make any sense but then there are those that will totally understand.

Walls are a way to protect myself from being hurt but also erected in an effort to protect you from me…

As a child and then later as an adult, I never fully trusted anyone but I most certainly did not trust myself.

How could I trust an individual that has been told all of her life that she was screwed up, messed up, nothing, worthless and pretty much not worth any type of love or acceptance?

That is the situation I found myself in from a very early age.. Not trusting anyone else other than a few certain adults that always provided unconditional love. Other than that; TRUST was a no-no.. I certainly didn’t trust others but I didn’t trust myself either.

Such began a life of trying to control the situations I found myself in and around, which then led to more and more anxiety because the world and life cannot be controlled. No matter how hard I tried; it just didn’t happen. I would try to be a good, little girl and I thought I was but then the one day that I wasn’t walking on eggshells around my family, that was the day once again I was told that I was just a waste and a nothing. So then began the walking on eggshells again in an effort of trying to please.. It would go along fine for a bit and then wham… Failure again. The straight A student just couldn’t do enough to please my parents… I would try and try but it just never happened.

More and more anxiety, fear and agoraphobia developed. I can sense now that even as early as 9 or 10 years old I suffered with some agoraphobia, yet it like all the other problems I carried around went undiagnosed and untreated.

Trust was not an option for me with anyone; especially myself.

This is when the problem began because if I was such a failure at life in general how was I going to be a good wife, mom and employee….

I always felt like I had to have someone to fall back on in situations that I felt unsure about or anxious about because this was certainly an area that I knew I was not prepared to handle.

Yet, over the last year; after 47 years of life…. I have decided that God has not called a weak, unstable, fearful, anxious woman to tell my story. He has called a powerful, forgiven, loved, confident woman that has a powerful story of healing to tell others.

If I hide what God has done for me and in my own life; then my story is wasted..

God deserves so much praise for all He has done in my life in the last 11 months. A year ago tomorrow was the night that God really began doing a major work on my life and in the area of healing me from anxiety, panic attacks and agoraphobia.

To be continued:
I will be speaking tonight at a conference called Beautiful Women in Levelland Texas. It will be a powerful service and this is God’s plan for me at this time. The doors have opened so I will now go through them.

Your Assignment

Your Assignment

Do you ever question what you are here on earth to do?

I know I have wondered that more often than I care to admit, but I have decided that I must live in the here and now all the while trying to find my calling from God..

Wonder
Wonder
Wonder

Yet, when we question what God has called then we are basically saying that God has made a mistake and messed up when He called us to the assignment we have..
Whether that is:
being a mom
being a hard worker at the job I have
being a prayer warrior
cleaning someone else’s home
being an author or blogger
leading a church as a pastor or youth minister
driving a school bus
working at a daycare

If we are questioning our current assignment then God will not call us to any other assignment. We will stay exactly where we are at in this time and place.. Nothing will change. We will stay frustrated, upset and wondering why nothing changes.

Our hearts must change first
and then God will direct us onto the next assignment or open doors to open in our current place of assignment.

Your assignment will always cause other to succeed and your assignment will always require you to go places you never dreamed of going. DREAM BIG
Your assignment will cause you to be celebrated; not tolerated. Luke 9:5

Your assignment will require wisdom.

Wisdom is obtained in two ways:
Mentors
Experiences/Mistakes

Wisdom is not something we are born with and nor are we born qualified for our assignment. There will be bumps in the road and bruises along the way, yet that does not mean we stop striving to fulfill the God ordained assignment God has given us to do in this life.

WE ONLY LIVE ONCE, SO MAKE IT A GOOD ONE

Our assignment is something only we can accomplish.

Our assignment will require us to solve problems only we can solve.
Our assignment will require us to help others only we can help.
Our assignment will require us to be love to someone else that maybe no one else acknowledges.
Our assignment will require PAIN, PASSION and PURPOSE.

Lord, today I want to offer hope for those wondering exactly what their purpose is for today. You know our hearts and you also know our desire to be worthy of your call on our lives. Help us today to not waste the time we have remaining and also do not let us lose hope in the call you have on our lives. We all have a purpose and an assignment from you. Let us stay strong and finish well.. We must stay focused and faithful in the small.. Lord, help me to remember that I am not where I used to be but I am also not where I want to be. Thank You for the wonderful gifts you have provided for my family in the last year on all levels. We are praising You. Thankful..

Eyes on God

orange flower oswald chambers

Oswald Chambers: We have to pray with our eyes on God, not on the difficulties.

This life is harsh.
This life is painful at times.
This life is anxiety filled at times.
This life is difficult.
This life is challenging.
This life is demanding of our time.
In this life we will see a fallen world; YET, GOD IS ALIVE

Yet, when we trust in God and allow our eyes to stay fixed on Him and His Word, life can and will be so much more relaxed, peaceful, joyful and simple. Taking our eyes off of God and His Word will allow all of the above to overshadow His plan and His purpose for anything and everything we face in this life.

Oh, I know life can be a struggle at times and challenging, but I sure would rather be walking through this life with God by my side and Jesus in my heart, than walking through life struggling all alone.

Out of the two options: I PICK GOD AND I WANT TO CONTINUE TO KEEP MY EYES ON HIM.

I have been handed my share of difficulties in this life… more than I would ever wish on my worst enemy. I don’t know if that means God trusts me to handle what He has allowed to enter my life or if He is wanting me to learn a lesson I have yet to learn. I don’t really know…

One thing I can be sure of though: Even when I have doubted His goodness and His faithfulness, both were still there waiting for me to grab on for dear life.

Goodness and Mercy have followed me according to Psalm 23:6, even when I have doubted.

Psalm 23:6
Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life; and I will dwell in the house of the Lord Forever.

Many a time I have sat on the floor begging and pleading for God to change the outcome of a situation I have been faced with, whether it was the loss of my grandmother to murder or the loss of relationship with my son or the loss of my “life” due to my anxiety and agoraphobia. Many a times, I have felt like He has not heard me and my begging, but in the end I have to trust that He knows best.

Over a period of time things just began to finally line up for me to begin walking on the path to finding freedom from my anxiety, depression and agoraphobia. I am not sure what changed other than myself. I have lived with each of those from as early of an age as 4 or 5 years old. I have never known a time in my adult/teenage years that I have not struggled, so for freedom in any form is such an awesome feeling.. Words can’t describe the joy I feel..

God didn’t change.
God didn’t leave.
God didn’t move.
God didn’t turn a deaf ear.
God knew the time and place that my healing would happen. I just had to be patient and allow Him to set in motion all of the “pieces” that needed to be in place. Maybe it was my stubborness or my pride that kept me bound for so long. I know that part of the problem was my lack of trust in God and His love for me. Some was trying to hold onto the ashes of my past instead of letting God have all of that as well.

I don’t know why it took so long, but today I am thankful that I am in a better place and on the journey to enjoying life.

I am learning to keep my EYES on GOD and not the anxiety of life or the difficulties of life.

WITH GOD:
LIFE IS JOYFUL
LIFE IS PEACEFUL
LIFE IS HAPPINESS
LIFE IS A JOURNEY
LIFE IS LOVE
LIFE IS BEING LOVED AND LOVING OTHERS
LOVE OF LIFE

Today,my friend I want to offer you hope and a word of encouragement. Keep praying. Keep seeking God and His Word for your situation. Nothing is impossible for God. Maybe today it won’t happen, but that does not mean it can’t happen tomorrow or the next day. God is not the author of confusion ( 1 Corinthians 14:33), so stay focused, peaceful and allow God to take the reigns of your life. He knows best. Hugs to each of you today.