Freedom

Ragged Edges

???????????????????????????????????????

Ragged Edges

Pieces of the past

Falling Away

Slowly, one day at a time

Nothing is off limits

God is restoring

God is moving

God is ABLE

For years, I lived a life that just was down right unhappy. Not unhappy because of my husband or children, but unhappy because my life was so limited because of fear, anxiety and agoraphobia. Life became enclosed by the four walls of my house and the dependence I had on others to feel “safe”. My life never felt secure or normal, even though I had a great life with a wonderful husband and children, yet something was always missing.

Today, I can see how the ragged edges of my past have fallen away more and more over the last two years. The last year has been life changing.

The edges are almost all gone.

Life is wonderful. Peace is present. Self acceptance is mine.

Freedom is Sweet.

I am not claiming to have it all figured out, but I do know that if God did this for me

Anything is Possible Matthew 19:26

Lord, I thank you for giving me a life full of possibilities. Nothing is beyond your scope of repair, restore, renew. I am a living testament of your power in the life of a believer. Without You, Lord I would be lost, alone and fear bound but through your saving grace and wonderful healing touch, I am free. I am forever thankful and I will continue to give my testimony as long as I live. My life will never be the same. The walls are no longer keeping me captive. Now the windows and doors are open to FREEDOM and JOY. You have called me to a new place and I am ready for the next step. Move now Lord.

Linking  up with

Essential Thing Devotions

Be Simply Better

Advertisements

Continuing To Change

Life is Good…

I really never thought I would say that..

Sad, I know.

I have never been unhappy as such but I could never really say ” Life is Good”, yet that seems to be the place God has me in at this point in my life.

Growing up as a child, I had some really great times as a kid such as when my sister and I traveled on a plane to Virginia alone to see our distant family. Or the time my parents surprised us with a trip to Disneyworld, but then there were also many hard times growing up. Times full of fear, abuse, neglect, controlling parents, loneliness, as well as family dysfunction.

Life was just “life” back then and I really had no idea that there was any other type of life or family around other than my own. I lived in a way that I was not aware that there were issues in my own family or in my own life. I knew no different so my life was normal to me.

When I met my husband and we began dating, he noticed the problems right off the bat. He could see the dysfunction and the abuse very early on and went into protection mode at the young age of 16 years old. He was very protective of me when it came to the antics of my family towards me or children later on. I was so familiar with the dysfunction, the abuse, the control, it was very hard for me to separate myself from them or that life, yet I knew that I must for the sake of myself and our children.

Oh, it is hard to change when you have a pattern so deeply entrenched in your mind and heart.

I tried to separate myself, only to be drug back in on some level. The abuse continued whether through written letters, emails or texts or even physical threats to myself from my father or brother. I could not find the will to stop the cycle, yet I knew it was changing myself and my family for the worse.

On and on it went.

Well, after much abuse from physical assaults from my brother, sister-in-law as well as my father, as well as continued emails, written letters, phone calls, threats and on and on, I had enough.

Last year I really began the process of separating myself from the drama and the abuse of this very dysfunctional family.

Yes, they are my biological family but that does not mean I cannot change who I am and become the person God designed me to be from the moment I was just a twinkle in HIS eye.

That is where I am at today.

Continuing to Change

Fear has been overcome Anxiety is gone Agoraphobia is gone The past is in the past The future is on the horizon and looking so great.

I hope you will be encouraged today that no matter what type of family you grew up or the pathology of that family, YOU have a choice to make your life better.

Believe in Yourself even when no one else does. Change for Yourself even when no one thinks you can. Forgive for Yourself even when it seems impossible. Move Forward for Yourself even when it takes baby steps.

I know that I never felt like my life would ever be possible without fear and anxiety being my best friends, but I can say today that I have never felt more free in my whole life. (47 years) God is no respecter of persons, so if HE did it for me, then He can do it for you as well.

YAY..

I WIN..

Change is Necessary

Change is Necessary

Change is Necessary

We often get stuck in a rut but God has a bigger plan for us than we can ever think or imagine.

This last year, God has done a tremendous work in my own life in healing me from over 30 years of living with fear, anxiety and agoraphobia.

I would not wish the horrible pain I have felt in my own life on even my worst enemy, but God has used every ounces of pain to help me move forward.

No one wants to live in a bubble caused by fear, but that is what I have done most of my life.
There are still things I still struggle with but when I conquer a previous fear, I always say, ” Well, little devil, you lost again.”

My God is bigger than anything the enemy can try to throw at me.

But remember: HE WILL DO THE SAME IN YOUR OWN LIFE AS WELL.

Don’t give up. Don’t lose hope.

His plan is always best.

He is asking you to trust.
He is asking you to believe.
He is asking you to be free.

If He can do it for me, then He can do it for YOU.

You are loved.

Walls

thCA4FP0YY

To some, this next sentence will not make any sense but then there are those that will totally understand.

Walls are a way to protect myself from being hurt but also erected in an effort to protect you from me…

As a child and then later as an adult, I never fully trusted anyone but I most certainly did not trust myself.

How could I trust an individual that has been told all of her life that she was screwed up, messed up, nothing, worthless and pretty much not worth any type of love or acceptance?

That is the situation I found myself in from a very early age.. Not trusting anyone else other than a few certain adults that always provided unconditional love. Other than that; TRUST was a no-no.. I certainly didn’t trust others but I didn’t trust myself either.

Such began a life of trying to control the situations I found myself in and around, which then led to more and more anxiety because the world and life cannot be controlled. No matter how hard I tried; it just didn’t happen. I would try to be a good, little girl and I thought I was but then the one day that I wasn’t walking on eggshells around my family, that was the day once again I was told that I was just a waste and a nothing. So then began the walking on eggshells again in an effort of trying to please.. It would go along fine for a bit and then wham… Failure again. The straight A student just couldn’t do enough to please my parents… I would try and try but it just never happened.

More and more anxiety, fear and agoraphobia developed. I can sense now that even as early as 9 or 10 years old I suffered with some agoraphobia, yet it like all the other problems I carried around went undiagnosed and untreated.

Trust was not an option for me with anyone; especially myself.

This is when the problem began because if I was such a failure at life in general how was I going to be a good wife, mom and employee….

I always felt like I had to have someone to fall back on in situations that I felt unsure about or anxious about because this was certainly an area that I knew I was not prepared to handle.

Yet, over the last year; after 47 years of life…. I have decided that God has not called a weak, unstable, fearful, anxious woman to tell my story. He has called a powerful, forgiven, loved, confident woman that has a powerful story of healing to tell others.

If I hide what God has done for me and in my own life; then my story is wasted..

God deserves so much praise for all He has done in my life in the last 11 months. A year ago tomorrow was the night that God really began doing a major work on my life and in the area of healing me from anxiety, panic attacks and agoraphobia.

To be continued:
I will be speaking tonight at a conference called Beautiful Women in Levelland Texas. It will be a powerful service and this is God’s plan for me at this time. The doors have opened so I will now go through them.

Ragged Edges

 

RAGGED EDGES

 

Ragged: Clothed in tattered garments; torn, worn, having loose shreds of fragments hanging. Dictionary.com

Ragged Edges falling Away; That is what I desperately need today. How about you? Have you felt ragged, lost, worn or torn apart from this life we continue to walk through. I know I have felt that way lately but there is not one specific reason; just life in general.

I feel ragged at times. (Lost. Worn. Torn. Having loose shreds hanging.)

One of the reasons is that my life has become so busy, that I have not had my time alone with God. Life has changed drastically for me in the last 3 weeks, with a new job opportunity which has caused my life to become more chaotic. I had previously been home for the last year, which has allowed me to write more, study more and also have time to work on my crafts. Yet, this employment has changed the free time I have available, so this has been an adjustment. (Lost Free Time)

This job is not necessarily a bad situation, just a different part of my life in this season. After being unemployed for over a year, the job was a tremendous blessing from God because it came totally out of left field. This opportunity was not a place I had previously applied, yet through different people in my community, someone recommended me and then I got offered the job. God works in mysterious ways and for that I am very thankful.

Another reason I have felt ragged is the fact that I feel disconnected from my friends and family due to the changes in my free time. Before, I had the opportunity to connect all day with friends, family and other ministries, bloggers etc. I feel disconnected from it all..

Ragged feelings of loss and I seem to have pieces of myself laying along the road waiting for it all to come back together. Pieces of my heart. Pieces of my soul as well as pieces of my mind. I feel disjumbled and I just need to have the ragged edges of the days, weeks, months and years to fade away and for the Lord to restore me to the beautiful person He originally called me to be. I feel like I have lived in a place of being ragged long enough, don’t you think? Fear, anxiety and agoraphobia, as well as years of emotional abuse, have led me to feel ragged, lost, and worn, yet over the last year, God has done a tremendous work in my heart, soul and mind. Freedom is possible and I can sense my life changing in dramatic ways; yet the unknown is always scary.

Today, I looked in the mirror and did not recognize myself from a year ago. My journey toward healing, forgivness and peace after 47 years of living with fear, anxiety and panic disorder as well as agoraphobia, I see a person emerging that I have never seen before, yet there are still pieces hanging off of me, pieces that need to find their proper place and order in the scheme of things. The bubble is slowly popping and the pieces are slowly finding their correct place in my mind, heart and soul, yet there are still some ragged edges that must fall away for me to be whole, complete and totally FREE.

free tattoo       (MY TATTOO )

Next week my mom is going to counseling with me. This is her idea, which I know it needs to be done so she understands the years of struggle on my part and the parts she and my family played in the struggles. No blame will be placed, yet there has to be a time and place for the words of pain to be spoken so there can be words of healing hopefully spoken as well. I am not sure if that will happen in this session or if there will be other sessions, but I am praying that God will prepare both of our hearts for this session.

I know that God has a plan for the end and beginning, as well as all of the in-betweens. Without Him, I would not be where I am today in my journey.

Please allow me to pray for you:
Lord, help each one reading this today. Allow the ragged edges to fall away; slowly or quickly. Help us to come back to the original design you called us to be in this world. Help us to not lose sight of our own walk due to all of the demands on our own lives and in helping others. Sometimes it is so easy to lose sight of YOUR plan because we as humans try to work OUR plan. Ragged edges and worn lives then become our normal because we are walking in areas of this life you have not called us to.. Ragged edges, please fall away today.. We thank you, Lord for all of your many blessings and for the continued work you do in each of our lives. Draw us closer to YOU and draw us closer to those we love. Amen

Memoir Post

Growing up in a very fear-based, anxiety filled, demanding home only allowed the enemy to blind me to the real value I had in the world and in God’s eyes and heart. I believed in God as a child and trusted Jesus Christ as my personal Savior at the age of 10 years old, yet the reality of GOD loving someone like me; a failure, anxiety filled, lost soul never reached into the depths of my heart.

The heart and mind never connected the two, even though I went to church as often as I was allowed by my parents, yet they never attended with me or my siblings. Church seemed to be a taboo in my home, yet for the life of me, I could not understand why. I desperately wanted a family that attended church together and prayed as a family, yet that wasn’t in the cards for me as a child.

Lost, lonely, anxious and fearful were my best friends. I knew the “normal” of having those feelings and emotions daily so when I married at the age of 18 years old, my husband had already heard all of the horrible names my parents had called me over our year of dating. From a manic-depressive, “crazy”, nut-case… whatever the word was that they wanted me to believe at the time. I took the bait; hook, line and sinker. I believed all of the negative and very little of the positive others said about me or to me. I heard wonderful words of praise from my husband all of our married life, yet until the last 3 or 4 years, I still believed that he, along with my parents, believed that there was a horrible malfunction in my mental abilities but in every other area of my life as well. I would hear the words, ” I love you” daily from Mike and my children, yet the enemy had erroded my mind into tuning all of the good out and only focusing on the words of destruction that had been said over me all of my childhood and teenage years.

The mind is a powerful force. As a child, especially, we are taught that our parents are to be trusted, valued and respected, so of course that is what I did for many, many years. One day something changed in my thinking… I realized that God loved me; faults, anxieties, and fears…Nothing that I would ever feel, do, say, or …..??? would ever allow His love to change for me. Wow.. This was a new place to be in because I had never known this type of freedom and love before. Check back for the next installment on the memoir posts..More to come

Here is the link for my interview with Lisa Buffaloe on Living Joyfully Free. I share much of my story on this interview.
http://www.livingjoyfullyfree.com/audio-items/angie-webb/

Dear Angie,

61653_10151111848667121_73024520_n

 

Dear Angie,

2012 is gone and over with.. The year was full of many ups and downs, yet through it all, God was guiding you into a new place. Angie, you have learned much this year yet there were many things still to learn.

2012 began like any other year, but through a period of trying, you found out who your real friends were. Those you trusted only in the end, left you hurt, discouraged and not trusting once again. Trust is hard for you to hand over very easily, and these women took your heart and broke it in two. You felt like the healing that had begun in your heart, was once again for nothing because the women you trusted with your deepest feelings and pains, only used that to make you look like the enemy and that you were not worthy. Yet, through even this Angie, you looked to me for your worth and value. You did not allow catty words of women, to make you doubt yourself. You learned from this situation and realized that this ministry was not where you were called to be. Thankfully, you are now listening to me instead of the enemies of the world. The world is not very kind and you have had more than your share of of the worlds unkindness. Thankfully, we have moved on from this fiasco and you are now on the path that I have called you to walk.

The year was not kind to you on many levels. The unresolved issue with your son is still very painful, yet let me, God, handle that situation. Don’t try to fix it yourself or go back into a situation where you are continually treated badly. Your son will have to hit the bottom and if that is the reality that must happen, then he will have to turn back to me for help and there will be consequences for the actions he has done. Everyone is accountable for the words spoken, pain inflicted, and hurt caused; even your son but you as well. This relationship does not work the way it has been for the last 10 years and this is just part of the plan right now. This relationship will be repaired and restored, but I cannot give you a time or date. Just be patient and let me work on your son and let me work on you as well, Angie. No one is perfect, yet I do know that you love your son and your grandchildren. The pain of loss of not having them in your life has been hard and placed a deep wound in your soul, yet there is a time and place where all of that will be only a memory.

In May, you had a surprise visit from a family member you had not seen in about 10 years. This surprise was a catalyst for a huge change in your life. This was someone that meant a lot to you years before and through your struggles with fear, anxiety and agorphobia, the loss of family was a reality for you as well, Angie. I am thankful that was a push for you to step out of that fear, anxiety and agorphobia. By the end of May, you had made a plan to make a trip 8 hours away to see the family you had lost touch with. Agoraphobia is not from me, YOUR LORD. You made this trip with your husband and younger son, which was a stretch for you. Yet, you didn’t quit. You didn’t give up and you didn’t let the enemy stop you. You took that step and made the trip, while making memories. Freedom is yours. It may not be easy, but keep moving forward because the world is waiting for you and your message.

Change has been a them for the year, because after being in the workforce for many years, you finally were able to be at home for the year. Your family business has blossomed and grown, all the while giving you the opportunity to use your story to minister to others. You have stretched yourself and written for others on their websites and magazines, and through it all you continue to give me the praise and glory that I deserve as your GOD. I have called you to a new place and a new path. It may not make sense at this time, but even when you are unsure, you are still moving forward. The writing and guest writing is part of my plan, yet now you have new opportunities opening up for you as well. The doors I am opening, I am thankful you are willing to walk through. The situation with a new job will be handled by ME, yet you need to not fret or worry. You are exactly where I have called you to be. Keep moving forward.

The end of the year brought pain and heartache again because of the lack of resolution and restoration with your son and his family, but through it all, you have kept your face smiling and trusting ME. Christmas was a wonderful opportunity to minister to those that had no family and you were willing to open your doors to others less fortunate. I, YOUR GOD, see your heart even when others do not. Do not fret or worry. Remember that I(GOD) am in control and just be available and listen to my still small voice. I am there. I am guiding you.

I am aware of all you have been through in your life and it is not in vain. You are not lost anymore and you are always being held in the palm of MY HAND. Be still and listen. Stay close to ME.. I am walking with you and I am so proud of all that you have done this year to be FREE… It has only just begun. I am proud of you, my child.

LOVE, YOUR HEAVENLY FATHER