Growing up in a very fear-based, anxiety filled, demanding home only allowed the enemy to blind me to the real value I had in the world and in God’s eyes and heart. I believed in God as a child and trusted Jesus Christ as my personal Savior at the age of 10 years old, yet the reality of GOD loving someone like me; a failure, anxiety filled, lost soul never reached into the depths of my heart.
The heart and mind never connected the two, even though I went to church as often as I was allowed by my parents, yet they never attended with me or my siblings. Church seemed to be a taboo in my home, yet for the life of me, I could not understand why. I desperately wanted a family that attended church together and prayed as a family, yet that wasn’t in the cards for me as a child.
Lost, lonely, anxious and fearful were my best friends. I knew the “normal” of having those feelings and emotions daily so when I married at the age of 18 years old, my husband had already heard all of the horrible names my parents had called me over our year of dating. From a manic-depressive, “crazy”, nut-case… whatever the word was that they wanted me to believe at the time. I took the bait; hook, line and sinker. I believed all of the negative and very little of the positive others said about me or to me. I heard wonderful words of praise from my husband all of our married life, yet until the last 3 or 4 years, I still believed that he, along with my parents, believed that there was a horrible malfunction in my mental abilities but in every other area of my life as well. I would hear the words, ” I love you” daily from Mike and my children, yet the enemy had erroded my mind into tuning all of the good out and only focusing on the words of destruction that had been said over me all of my childhood and teenage years.
The mind is a powerful force. As a child, especially, we are taught that our parents are to be trusted, valued and respected, so of course that is what I did for many, many years. One day something changed in my thinking… I realized that God loved me; faults, anxieties, and fears…Nothing that I would ever feel, do, say, or …..??? would ever allow His love to change for me. Wow.. This was a new place to be in because I had never known this type of freedom and love before. Check back for the next installment on the memoir posts..More to come
Here is the link for my interview with Lisa Buffaloe on Living Joyfully Free. I share much of my story on this interview.